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Karin's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry #2 ~ February 26, 2001
~ Blue Skies

I am having a rough time these days; forgive me if I whine too much! *sigh* . . . where to start?

Well, we had a fantastic time on vacation. It had a rocky start and was a bit stressful at the beginning. Our luggage arrived several hours after we did, we couldn't find our town car driver, the first few days of weather were such that we thought we were still in Seattle. Then the sun came out and we had so much fun! We laughed and laughed, something we haven't done enough of since we lost our Angel Alex. We also had lunch with my sister, which was very nice since we haven't seen her for a year. I did have some tough moments seeing all the adorable babies and happy families. TJ just held me tight, told me how much he loves me and encouraged me not to lose faith. After all, we were working very hard on the baby making! TJ was ready to put down the deposit on next year's trip even before we left-and to make it for a family of three!

Unfortunately, we were not successful at vacation TTC. I am so frustrated and disappointed because our timing was perfect. I just wish I knew what it was going to take. If I hear my mom say one more time "I didn't even try with any of you kids," I think I am going to pull my hair out! It seems like such a natural progression of love and marriage, but it hasn't been that way for us. We are on cycle 12 now. It took 8 cycles last time; I guess I should be more patient. Oh, but it is so easy to say that! I also have fleeting thoughts about seeking medical assistance. I will be 32 at the end of March and hear the clock ticking loud and clear. The thing is, I do not care for modern medicine at all. I have had way too many negative experiences with doctors. I did try some herbs one cycle, and I did ovulate earlier, but the herbs dried up all of my cervical fluid (sorry, too much info!) and consequently, we missed the timing. Maybe I used them wrong or in the wrong dosage? I'm not even too keen on seeing a naturopath. I am having a serious inner struggle with this issue. TJ will do whatever I want; I hate that I have to make the decision. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't a grown-up. For now I'm just praying that either I won't have to make the decision to seek help or that one day, the struggle will be resolved and I will know the right thing to do.

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Just when I think I'm doing better, I start to feel like I'm losing my mind. Right after we got home from vacation, we headed out for a weekend in California. It was all expenses paid and a chance for us to have a new adventure together. I didn't want to go, which is very unusual for me, and I got grouchier as the day approached. TJ really wanted to go; he was going to be there on business the next week anyway. I tried so hard for him, but my heart just wasn't in it. I made up my mind to just go. We had a terrible snowstorm in Seattle the night before we left. This city panics when we get a few flakes, so there was chaos when nearly a foot fell. I called to make sure of the plane's departure time because I have a very hard time being in airports (as well as other places you find lots of babies). We were on time. Well, during the 30 minute drive to pick up TJ and get to the airport, the flight was delayed. And delayed again . . . eventually over two hours late. I couldn't stand it anymore. There must have been over a hundred babies in that terminal. I started bawling. I couldn't help myself. And I am talking about huge gut wrenching, loud sobs, and not just little tears rolling down my cheeks. TJ dragged me outside, for I could not make my feet work. He just held me tight and told me that it is ok to cry; just let it out.

Today I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. Milestones like this hurt so much. I try not to dwell on them, but they creep up out of nowhere and just take my breath away. I'm angry and I'm so sad. If I could just have an answer as to why. It is so hard to make peace with that which is unknown.

When are things like this going to stop happening? I don't go around looking for things about which to be sad. I just get set off at the littlest things. The idea of fairness really bothers me too. If I do say so myself, I am a good, loving, caring person. I cannot think of anything I did to anyone to be deserving of such a situation. The roller coaster of grief is not one I wish anyone to ride. I know that the pain will never go away, but I wish it would lighten a little.

And the stress continues. TJ works as a contractor, and his contract is over next week Monday. It cannot be renewed. He has not been successful in finding a new job yet. He's got a million contacts and some solid leads, which is great. Unfortunately, no one is on the same time schedule as we are. On Wednesday he has a phone interview with his current company's biggest competitor. They say that they have the "perfect position" for him. Oh, I sure hope something happens soon! If anyone has some spare positive vibes, I would most appreciate them. (Or if you have a computer technician/interactive TV specialist position available, anywhere in the world . . .)

I'm getting to a point where I can deal with all the stress (except the TTC) through humor. I wonder why I can't do the same with TTC? You know, it seems like I should be getting pregnant now because the future seems so uncertain for us. Murphy's Law . . .

Well, thanks so much for letting me whine. I do feel a little better, just getting it all out. I know that my time for a healthy baby will come. I just wish the path were a little smoother, that's all.

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