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Karin's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry #3 ~ April 3, 2001
~ Painting, painting, and temping

It feels like ages since I have been able to sit down and write. So much to say and so little time these days. I feel like a hamster in one of those running wheels . . . going around and around, stopping for a moment, and jumping back in to the spinning circle. My life has been so crazy. I do want to thank everyone for all your well wishes and for sharing your stories with me. I appreciate your kindness and openness so very much. *hugs* Please forgive my slow or non-existent response. I think I need about four hours added to each day!

As for where I am in TTC, today is cd 5. I didn't have much chance last cycle because we were painting and getting the house ready to go up for sale. TJ was a little worried about paint fumes, especially since I did 99% of the painting. He wanted to take this cycle off. Yikes! I convinced him the timing would be ok, because I ovulated right in the middle of the home improvement project. No organ development would be occurring because it was too early for implantation. Well, after all the fast-talking I did, it ended up that I was way too sore to do much of anything! My body was not at all happy with all the reaching, stretching and climbing on ladders that I did. Let's just say we had maybe a 10% chance of something happening. Maybe. I pretty much expected to see AF right on schedule, and that is exactly what happened. We are gearing up and getting ready to take on this cycle full force!

Has anyone heard about grapefruit juice and TTC? Some of the ladies at The Waiting Game were talking about how the juice would help you ovulate earlier. Since my cycles are a little on the long side, I thought I would try it and see what happened. I happen to love grapefruit juice, so this was an easy experiment for me. I drank a big glass every morning. Nothing was any different than usual except that I ovulated later! Of course, that could totally be related to the house stress. I wish there would be some easy solution or quick fix that I could try.

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I'm having a love/hate relationship with my thermometer lately. I want to take some time off, but I just cannot seem to do it. This is my eleventh cycle temping. I guess it is hard to break a habit, especially one where you can get so much information. It's not that I want to break myself of it either (especially because we will use FAM for birth control if we ever have a baby), but in those days past ovulation, I feel like a slave to the numbers. And I will admit, there have been days that I didn't like the reading it gave me, so I tried again! LOL Good girl that I am, I recorded the first temperature (not that the second was significantly different anyway!). I wish that we could just know, and not have to go through all this waiting and guessing!

Next week will be five months since my little angel Alex went back to Heaven. I cannot believe it has been that long. But it also seems like the time just flew by. Would you believe that just the other day I finally got the insurance and doctor bill straightened out? I am so happy because I was beginning to dread going to the mailbox. Regular bills are bad enough, but those reminder doctor bills were awful! Then I would have to call and argue . . . the billing people told me that I was not in the office that day and I must be crazy. Hmmm . . . what's that about the pot calling the kettle black? I am so thankful that I will never be dealing with them again, ever!

I think I am beginning to heal more. I am not so scared of TTC right now. Of course that could change in the next five minutes, but I really think I could do it now. The second cycle after the miscarriage I was really late and really scared. I think my desire to have a baby is starting to overtake my fear of another miscarriage. I am glad to be going through this transition even though I bounce back and forth a lot. Lately I've been convinced that I will not get pregnant until I am more on the side of desire, rather than fear. It really does feel good to live and not be afraid so much.

TJ finally found a job! He started today, and he seems to be happy with it so far. Unfortunately, it is another contract position for only three months, but it's better than nothing! He is going to keep searching; furthermore, he made many contacts that expressed an interest in having him in three to six months. I'm a little disappointed that we aren't moving yet. I was really looking forward to a new adventure and to maybe moving a little closer to home. We will keep trying, and we are getting our ducks in a row as much as possible to make a quick departure.

Now if we can just sell the house, life will be much closer to something normal.

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