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Karin's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry #4 ~ April 26, 2001
~ Horror-monal

I wish I had some news to report this entry. Unfortunately, nothing yet. Just more waiting. Well, my grandmother always said, "Good things come to those who wait." I really hope she knows something that I don't! Waiting is getting really, really old! Or maybe it is just as well that I am not pregnant during the NHL playoffs! If TJ had his way, I wouldn't be! LOL I am a diehard Buffalo Sabres fan, and I sit glued to the television getting totally stressed out over the action-yelling, screaming, pounding the table. More than once TJ has threatened to hide the remote control because he doesn't want me to get too stressed, especially, as he says, if "something is happening in there."

My baby-obsessed brain is really driving me crazy. I am so mixed up about what is going on in my cycle these days. It is allergy season, so I've been waking with my mouth open about 50% of the time because I can't breathe through my nose. My temperatures are pretty wacky because of that. I think that I am anywhere from 12-17 days past ovulation, and I definitely ovulated early. I wish I could figure out where and why! I don't have any symptoms, pregnancy or PMS. That is very unusual for me because I am a PMS Queen! It usually starts right after ovulation. Over the weekend, TJ came up with a new word to describe PMS . . . "horror-monal" Anyway, I did not notice any symptoms the first time I was pregnant until 15 days past ovulation. No PMS symptoms either! So a little voice keeps egging me on to test. Stay strong, I keep telling myself. I will not test until 18 days late on the conservative estimate. I don't know how I could handle the disappointment if it was negative even though I am sure AF is hanging around the corner. I definitely notice that I have changed from thinking that for sure I am pregnant every cycle to convincing myself that AF is for sure on her way. I guess it is my defense mechanism. I'm so tired of the emotional trauma of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed by cramps and a negative pregnancy test.

Thinking ahead . . . if nothing happens this cycle, we are going to try an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK). I haven't done that yet because those kits are really expensive and I know my cycle very well from charting for a year. My thoughts have been that they are just a waste of money for me. I guess I shouldn't make that kind of judgment without trying it out for myself . . . maybe I have been missing something. I am also going to go back to drinking the grapefruit juice. One of my friends at The Waiting Game had really good success with it, so I thought I should give it another chance. The worst thing that could happen is that I get some extra vitamin C, and there is nothing wrong with that!

We had an opportunity to change our insurance coverage to a company that covered basic infertility testing but did not cover homebirth. That was a really tough decision to make. The new plan cost $20 less per week too! Prenatal care with a midwife would be covered, but I called the midwife and asked her what the charge for her attendance at the birth would be . . . $1500! So much for the savings between the two plans! I tried very hard to find out what was covered under basic infertility, but I could not get any answers. It seemed like the new company did not want to talk to me until I was on their plan. I wondered how long it would take us to get answers for a serious medical emergency. After much deliberation, I decided to remain optimistic and keep our current coverage that does cover homebirth. So my decision about when to seek medical treatment has been answered for now. We know we can get pregnant, so I guess we will keep the faith a little while longer.

Now that the weather is clearing up, I see so many new babies! I went on a walk to the grocery store last week and saw four babies on the way there, two on the way back. It is less than a two block walk! Yesterday I was in that same store quietly picking out my tomatoes, and this girl announces to the whole produce section that she is pregnant and due on December 6. Well, ok, maybe not deliberately to the whole aisle, but she was so loud that's what it sounded like. Ouch. That hurt me to the core. Why does it seem like everyone can get (and stay) pregnant but me? I'm so happy for everyone who is able to conceive, but sometimes it is just like rubbing salt in an open wound for me. Ok, enough pity for now.

Mother's Day is coming up too quickly. I was kind of hoping that maybe I could just skip that day off the calendar. Last Mother's Day TJ brought me roses and said that they were a gift from him and our future children because he knows what I great mom I will be. And that probably by next year I would be holding a baby in my arms, or at least well on the way. Wow, I'm getting all teary just thinking about that. *sigh* Unfortunately, it's not happening yet. Maybe we will go out to the beach where we went when we lost our Angel Alex. It is so hard to be a mommy to an Angel when I wish with every fiber of my being that he was here. That I could just hold him in my arms, kiss his little feet, breathe in that baby scent . . . and make sure he knows how much we love him. I do carry him in my heart all the time.

Ok, I'm off to find some tissues. I hope I have some good news to report one of these days soon!

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