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Karin's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry #5 ~ May 23, 2001
~ Dreams!

Well, I'm still playing the waiting game. I'm eight days past ovulation and desperately looking for anything that could count as a "symptom." So far nothing. My rational mind knows that most major symptoms don't start until six weeks, but if I only had a sign of things to come. My last cycle was wacky . . . 29 days and I'm usually regular at 35. I think AF showed the minute I sent my entry in. She was here with a vengeance, squishing my hopes. Now what did I ever do to her?

We had impeccable timing this cycle . . . 3 out of 4 fertile days! I tried the ovulation predictor kits and love them! I just wish they were not so expensive, but the cost will be worth it. I ended up taking a break from the thermometer too. I think it is helping me obsess less (like that is possible! LOL) But humor me here because taking my temps after ovulation I would get upset about the slightest drop. No worries about that now! Although I will admit I have been tempted just out of curiosity to see where the numbers are!

Not to be too gloom and doom, but even with the great timing, I'm not expecting anything this cycle. I just don't want to deal with such an intense disappointment. It's never easy when Aunt Flow shows, but if I don't have any expectations, it won't be so hard to handle, right? Wow, I seem to be able to rationalize anything these days! I'm thinking Murphy's Law this time around. If I actually managed to get pregnant, the series of events to follow would be too perfect. First, my mom is coming to visit at the end of next week. Wouldn't it be amazing to greet her at the airport with pink and blue balloons and a sign that says "Welcome Grandma"? To see her face when I tell her the news would be one of the greatest gifts to me. We live 3000 miles apart and I felt bad telling her over the phone last time. This kind of news deserves hugs! Second, my due date would be right around TJ's birthday. He would be tickled! (except that we would have to postpone our annual February vacation, but I think it would be ok). TJ has this thing about really wanting an Aquarius baby because according to him, all the great people in his family are born under the sign of Aquarius. Silly boy! I would gladly indulge him if I had any power over this! *sigh * Well, I am trying to remain positive and enjoying the daydreams for right now. Next week . . . well, more waiting to see what it holds.

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Speaking of dreams, I have had some very interesting dreams since beginning my TTC journey. They have finally come full circle. In the first dream my grandmother, who passed away when I was 15, appeared to me and told me I was going to give birth to a baby girl. The next dream, I was 24 weeks pregnant, and we were at an ultrasound appointment. The scan revealed that we were pregnant with a healthy baby girl; we promptly named her Danna Elisabeth. That is so weird because we are not planning on any ultrasounds, unless there are complications necessitating one, and we definitely do not want to find out the sex until the baby is born! The girl names we have been playing with do not include Danna Elisabeth, but ever since that dream, this is my first choice for a girl's name. I love it! The dream to complete the circle happened a few nights ago. I finally gave birth. This dream was so real that I woke up and for a moment really thought it happened. I can remember every detail including smells and sounds. The midwives and my doulas didn't make it in time. I labored in the water for a while, but decided I wanted to birth on the bed. I barely made it to a squatting position at the end of the bed, and she was born with just my mom and me present. TJ was outside pacing and waiting for the midwives! For some reason, we knew this would be the only child we were blessed with, and we named her Fredérique. A little background on the name . . . my first love passed away tragically four years ago at the age of 27, and I want to honor him by naming my son Frederick. In the dream we knew she would be our only baby, so we changed our minds about the name.

I wish I had written down the dates of the first two dreams. I can't remember for sure when, but I wonder they if occurred within a 40-week period. They were strange and powerful and real. Anyone do dream interpretation? I would love to know if there is some significance to the dreams other than the fact that I really want a baby.

Tonight I watched a documentary on PBS about birthing choices called "Born in the USA." The licensed midwife featured is a midwife in the same practice as my midwife. A sign?

Until next time . . . sending you all lots of hugs! Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

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