~ Bit of a Scare
I am so glad this week is over! What a nightmare couple of days we have had. For about 24 hours, I was so scared.
My routine appointment was not so routine. My blood pressure was up again for the second week in a row! Heather and Melissa tried five times to get it to come down, and it wouldn't. I didn't have any major swelling, headaches, vision issues, reflex problems or protein in my urine, but they were still very concerned. Of course, after five tries, I was getting upset, which makes the readings even worse with white coat syndrome. I got a normal reading on my own machine that morning, and it was much lower than what they were getting. Normally our numbers only vary slightly. Heather wanted to do some lab work to test for Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH). She said that given the lack of other problems, she was confident that I didn't have PIH, but she wanted proof to be sure so that we could figure out what the source of my stress was. Then if the lab work came back ok, I could keep a journal of all my blood pressure readings as well as use my own readings in labor. She promised to call me as soon as she got the results the next day.
Well, I think that was the longest night of my life! I could barely sleep because I was running all the different scenarios through my head and trying to prepare myself. Best case, I could still have my homebirth. Worst case, I would be heading to the hospital in the morning for an induction. I know the induction would turn into a surgical birth as I do not feel safe in the hospital. Lack of feeling safe would halt my labor before it even began. I don't even feel safe driving past the hospital! I tried so hard to keep positive, but at the same time, I knew I might have some difficult circumstances to face in the morning. I wasn't even ready to meet Bean yet! I prayed a lot and cried out all my tears.
When the phone rang the next morning, I answered it, shaking all the while. I just had a feeling it was Heather. It was Heather, and with good news! Not only did the tests show no signs of PIH, but the results were excellent! I was so relieved; I broke into tears when I called TJ. Poor guy, he didn't know what to think because I could barely get the words out. Now every morning I take and record my blood pressure. Should it get high for me, I need to call the midwives. But there is very little chance that anything like pre-eclampsia will develop at this time. Phew!
I still needed to solve the mystery of what was making me so stressed. With some input from some of the ladies at the Choices in Childbirth forum, I think I finally figured it out. I was feeling very anxious about Bean's arrival. It was as if I really didn't believe that he was coming even though he is very real to me. Then all of a sudden, 37 weeks arrived and he could come--at any time! I've been saying that I'm not ready and I don't want to not be pregnant any longer. I decided that I'm holding myself back. I need to let go and trust in my body. Let's face it, Bean is coming whether or not I am ready. It's not the physical part that I'm unprepared for but rather the emotional part. I'm scared of being a bad parent. Finally understanding that and talking about it made me realize that I will be ok. I can do this. I just need to trust myself.
Not that I am overeager to get things started, but I have certainly had an attitude adjustment this week! Let's see if next week's full moon brings any surprises . . .