Thank you so much to all of you who have wished me congratulations and positive thoughts! I am so touched by all of your kind words and appreciate your thoughts.
Ugh. It found me . . . morning sickness, actually all day sickness. I am so nauseous, tired, and dizzy. I have developed an amazingly keen sense of smell; everything stinks! I feel like a semi-truck ran me over. I keep telling myself this is temporary, worth the end result, and will pass (hopefully soon!). Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this fantasy that I would be one of those pregnant women who just sails through her pregnancy symptom free. What a dreamer I am! Nothing seems to make it better. I've tried saltines, lemons, gingersnaps, raspberry ginger ale, matzo, and broth. I guess the only cure will be time. I sure hope it clears up before our vacation in September.
Where did all of my energy go? I can barely drag myself out of bed. Sometimes I get out of bed only to make my way to the couch for a nap. I was doing so good and getting some exercise swimming almost every day. Now just the thought of the pool makes me nauseous. I hope I can find some energy soon because I need to prepare my body.
I have been having some horrible nightmares. They are mostly about pregnancy loss, which I suspect is quite normal for those of us who have angel babies. The one that recurs most frequently takes place about four weeks from now when the midwife tries to hear the heartbeat. She cannot hear it, and I am not worried and try to explain the reason is most likely because I'm a little on the chubby side. She says that is not it, and sends me for an ultrasound. One thing that is very important to me is not to have an ultrasound unless complications make it necessary. She refuses to listen and somehow I end up in the emergency room having an ultrasound. There is no baby. I am immediately rushed in to surgery for a D&C. No one listens to me that I would rather miscarry naturally.
TJ is flying out to the east coast soon for a job interview. I am terrified something will happen when he is gone. I dream of picking him up at the airport and breaking down in tears. I had several crying episodes in the airport when I lost my first angel.
I am really trying to think positively, but it is so hard. One minute I am talking about names or getting excited about the birth, and the next minute, I crawl into my shell and can think only of scary things. The mood swings are amazing.
We are keeping the pregnancy a secret for now. I am so torn if this is the right thing to do. My sister and my cousin were not at all supportive (and my cousin was downright nasty and hurtful) when we lost Alex. We are afraid to tell TJ's grandparents because they are both suffering from different degrees of Alzheimer's disease. His grandfather has yelled at me several times, asking what is wrong with me that I'm not pregnant yet. (They didn't even know we were TTC) We are afraid that if something happens to this baby, they will not remember and keep asking us about the pregnancy. *sigh* I feel almost disrespectful of my mom by keeping a secret because we are very close and tell each other everything. On the other hand, I asked her not to tell any extended family last time; we wanted to wait until 12 weeks. Well, she told my aunt, and that is how my cousin got the news. My cousin only calls me when she is drunk; she called one night and started interrogating TJ. She then got nasty when he wouldn't give her any information about me; her comment was "family grapevine says Karin cannot carry a pregnancy to term." I want to tell because I know my mom and TJ's grandparents will be so excited, but I don't want to deal with any drama or unnecessary tears. My mom's birthday is August 22, so if we can hold out that long, we plan to send her pink and blue flowers from Karin, TJ, and Baby Bean. I wonder how long it will take her to get it? I am going to be glued to the phone that day!
Well, I am in desperate need of a nap, so I am going to end this entry in the hopes of dreaming lots of positive thoughts!