~ Remembering Angel Alex
This was a very rough week for me. It started with the due date of my little Angel Alex. I was so numb and in shock all day; I couldn't even cry. All my tears were frozen. It felt so strange to know that this baby I am carrying would not have been here if Alex was to be born. I think I even felt a bit like a traitor to Alex. I am so thankful I made it through the day. Next year, I think I might just leave it off the calendar!
I am still feeling lots of nausea. Some days are better than others. For some reason, this week the matzo is helping a lot. On Saturday I was feeling better, so TJ and I went to The Cheesecake Factory to celebrate our upcoming second wedding anniversary. Big Mistake! We were starving, and I ate way too much. I never want to see another cheese quesadilla for as long as I live! I need to find that balance between a too empty tummy and an overly full tummy. Ugh . . . the rest of the day was spent flat on the couch, praying that I didn't throw up. (I really hate throwing up and have been very lucky so far.)
I had a very funny preggo brain moment this week. We are planning a vacation in September, and I had to mail in the credit card information for the deposit. Why they won't take it over the phone is beyond me. Anyway, I had filled out the slip (or so I thought) and mailed it. I was worried that it would not get there in time, and planned to follow up on the day it was due. Well, I got a call from the resort that I had filled out everything on the slip except the credit card information! I felt like such an idiot. So they took the numbers over the phone anyway! It must have been something subconscious about being aggravated that I couldn't do it over the phone. TJ thought it was hysterical, and I'm sure I will never live that down.
Emotionally I am really struggling with this pregnancy. In my rational moments, I know it is partly due to the hormone cocktail as well as the upcoming changes, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for bad news. Even though we prayed and planned for a baby, it came as a complete surprise. In my heart, I really thought I was never going to get pregnant. It is a struggle to bond with this baby, and I'm not winning. I feel so selfish; I guess I am trying to protect myself in case something does happen. I feel trapped because if I allow myself to bond, I am just opening my heart up to more pain. I am disappointed in myself because here I have what I have dreamed about for so long, and I'm not behaving as I think I should. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am usually a very positive and optimistic person, so these feelings are not too familiar, nor are they welcome! I'm just going to take it one day at a time and hope the negativity passes soon.
TJ, on the other hand, is ecstatic. He says he is afraid too, but his excitement allows him to get past his fears. He is so cute, kissing my belly and talking to Bean. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband! He is my rock. At the end of the week, he is going back East to interview . . . I'll keep you posted!