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Kat's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 6
~ Roller coaster of a week

I'm still not feeling anything physically. I have to remind myself that with my first 5 kids, I didn't get sick or anything until about 7 weeks, so maybe with my next entry I'll be telling you all that I've become great friends with the old porcelain goddess. Of course I wouldn't complain if I had an easy pregnancy AND a healthy baby either. At this point just the healthy baby part is all I'm wishing for.

My first appointment is scheduled for July 6th, which happens to be my birthday. I'll be 9 weeks then and I'm hoping they decide to do a quick ultrasound to see the heartbeat; let's hope I get a good birthday present and there is a sweet little baby with a sweet little heartbeat in there. I'd like to think that God wouldn't torment me with another loss, but I can't be sure of it.

From the sounds of it, this pregnancy is going to be busy. I will start seeing a perinatologist, which is a "high risk" maternity doctor around my 20th week for level 2 ultrasounds and fetal echocardiograms to get a good look at the baby's heart. I'm positive I won't breathe until they say the words "healthy heart." Part of me is scared of hearing that, because in a way I'd rather them find something than not. I know that sounds crazy but if they find something I can be prepared for it. My biggest fear is that we will once again deliver what we think is a healthy baby and then it will unexpectedly get sick like Alex did. I'd much rather know ahead of time.

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On Tuesday I was asked to attend the passing of Alex's hospital roommate, Tyler. He was born 11 days before Alex with the same heart condition and after many complications they made the excruciating decision to remove him from life support. I was terrified to go, but I felt like I needed to. I'm really glad I did. Oddly enough, it was a very moving experience to be in the presence of God like that. I can't even describe it. It was so very different from losing Alex since he went so suddenly.

Yesterday we took the kids to the Minnesota zoo. It was a great time. Then we went to their first IMAX 3d movie and it was hilarious to watch Shaylin and Jacksen reach out to try to grab the objects appearing in front of them. I'm certain the people sitting in front of them weren't nearly as amused as we were about it though. They would just giggle and giggle. We've been learning to enjoy the simple things like that and it's very nice when you can just slow down and experience life like that.

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