Week 25: February 10 - 16, 2005
~ Getting Better
My energy level, and therefore attitude, has definitely been on the upswing over the last week. This is a huge relief to me and, I'm sure, those that have to live and work with me. I've been steadily taking iron supplements two times a day. Also, I've adjusted my diet into a pretty good routine that allow an increased iron intake. I feel like I've moved into a more functional tired state. Still tired, but able to cope, think, and move: you know, all of those normal things.
Overall, I think I'm expecting too much of myself right now. I expect my normal, pre-pregnant self who buzzes around getting lots done. I'm usually able to work two part-time jobs, take care of Makenna and the house along with balancing a couple of hobbies. Lately, a good day revolves around getting a household chore or two accomplished and maybe running one errand or working part of the day. It is hard to make this mental adjustment for me: that perhaps this is the way the remainder of this pregnancy will be. I'd love to think of myself as one of those amazing pregnant women who climb mountains and conquers Fortune 500 companies while pregnant. But the truth is, I'm just a pregnant woman who is hanging on and doing the best she can: no mountain or career-ladder climbing for me.
Another interesting twist in our lives involves Makenna's nap. We've had a good ride: she has continued to take a two-hour nap long past (ok, years past) the point where most of her friends stopped napping. This has been such a luxury for me because I am able to nap as well when I needed to. It seems, after five glorious years, that naptime is just about over in our household. Makenna is down to about one nap a week, much to my disappointment. She is taking an hour rest time on her bed, listening to music and looking at books. I'm lying down during this time as well and getting a chance to rest, which is a good thing. I feel a bit panicked though: I'd envisioned all of us, Makenna, baby and me, laying down for an afternoon nap in a lovely patch of sunlight. (Knowing full well this might be only a fantasy and not a reality ever.) Now I'm trying to imagine how I'll handle a newborn without a chance for nap. Yikes!
In fact, trying to imagine the changes that will be arriving in our lives just three months from now occupies a lot of my time lately. I alternate between wanting the baby to be here now, and being grateful for a little more time just how we are. When Makenna was little I really wanted my children close together. I was afraid that if I got out of the young-child phase that I wouldn't ever want to go back. I wanted to get all of the spit-up and diapers and general sleeplessness done all at once before I saw the peacefulness of preschool aged children.
I am, honestly, a bit scared of going back to that newborn baby stage. While there were loads of good parts and things I loved, there were also those tough things. And maybe, while I'm doing them, those tough bits won't seem as bad. But looking ahead, I feel scared about starting over. While watching my 10-month old nephew briefly the other day, I had a sudden sense that my wings are about to be clipped. I've grown use to a lot of alone time while Makenna plays on her own. I've also grown use to a child who doesn't need to be watched over every moment lest she slip something chokeable into her mouth.
My mind swirls, as only a pregnant mind can do, imagining and creating scenarios that cannot be answered. Will I remember how to care for a newborn? Will I be up-to-date on the latest medical recommendations? Will the age spread between Makenna and the baby be so far that they won't make a good connection? Can I do this? I know I can, I must just remember that.