Week 36: April 28 - May 4, 2005
~ Hello May!
Well here it is: our baby's birth month! After what seems like a long winter of waiting, May is finally here! It is hard to believe that this time next month I should be the mom to a newborn. I try to picture it: the tiny hands searching for a mouth, the chick-fuzz hair that begs to be touched, and the glistening eyes. The milk-drunk smile. Aaahhh... I love babies.
I took a big step this week and washed two loads of baby laundry. The miniature socks and t-shirts are all folded away in the drawers, just waiting. I haven't told anyone except Errol and Makenna (my constant helper) that I did this; it is my little secret. I sneak in there every so often and just look through the piles. This is all the nesting that is in me; just having the clothes ready seems like a leap of faith I'm not quite ready for.
Everyone keeps asking me if the nursery is all ready for the baby. And everyone is very surprised when I tell him or her we haven't done a thing. It is as if the only thing in some people's minds that is preventing me from going into labor is not having the diapers out and the crib set up. "But you are almost due! You are running out of time!" is the response I get. I waffle as to what to do. A tiny part of me, the one that thinks baby stuff is adorable, wants to get the room all ready. But a very large part of me remembers the very sad day where we packed an adorable nursery up and put it into storage. I am certain that for all of my life I will remember Makenna's little voice as she tried to sort out what her role after Livia's death was saying, "Big sisters can help pack up a nursery, can't they Mama?". I really think my heart can only bear the finality of removing all of the baby items to storage just once. So, the office/nursery-to-be sits waiting to be filled. I have learned to guard my heart and this is one way I try to protect myself from being hurt.
My emotions are definitely at war with each other these last weeks of pregnancy. I am so anxious to meet this little person and celebrate a safe arrival. Yet I am very wary of being too attached, of being too hopeful. Makenna and I daydream a lot about what our lives will be like with a baby. She has many questions and I try to answer as best as I can. But truthfully, I can't really picture what our lives will be like. Probably in part because I've forgotten what parenting a newborn is like. Also probably because I still am having trouble believing that is what just might happen.