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Entry One, August 6, 1997

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Introduction; The Start of Our Journey to Egg Donor Zift

We are pursuing what may be our last attempt to become pregnant. My husband and I have been married for nineteen happy years, and have been focused on starting a family for about ten years. We've been seeing infertility specialists for quite awhile now. No one's struggle with infertility is an easy road, and ours is no exception. Some of our biggest challenges have occurred as we have pursued this process. They include: a life-threatening illness during my first pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage, the neonatal death of a beautiful baby boy after my second pregnancy, several more years of infertility treatment, and finally, the news that I could never have another genetic child. So how is it that we are pursuing this (possibly) final attempt at pregnancy? We are able to do this through a wonderful new high-tech procedure called Donor Egg Zift.

We are really excited to be able to pursue our dream of having children through Donor Egg. I have already started my medication. My part of the procedure is scheduled for late August. We won't know until September if I am pregnant or not. The procedure is incredibly costly; we have put quite a bit on the line to be able to take this chance. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that the cost alone has caused me some sleepless nights. But just the chance of being able to give birth to a child, and to raise that child, is worth every penny.

I'd like to share with you some of my journey: the challenges I've mentioned, the emotionally charged path to this alternative method to family building, and my day to day experience with this very exciting, high-tech gamble to become pregnant one more time.


As I mentioned earlier, nineteen years ago I married one of the most decent, good-hearted people I've ever met. I still consider myself to be incredibly lucky! We wanted children, but I wanted to wait. Retrospectively, I've grieved that decision. Who knows? Maybe if we had started a little sooner, things would have worked out differently? I know some women wait to have children so that they can establish their careers. In my case, that was part of it.

The other part was quite different. More than anything, I wanted to be a good mother. I wanted to be able to do my best to raise healthy, happy children. As a young person I had some really challenging life experiences (which is a whole other story)! I feared that these experiences would impact my ability to parent. So I read books on child rearing, read parenting magazines, pursued counseling so that I could resolve my issues. During this time frame, a physician warned me that I might have endometriosis, and that I should consider surgery. I was also told that I might have some difficulties in becoming pregnant. Have you ever made a big mistake in your life, that you sorely regret? Here is one of mine. Instead of pursing treatment for my endometriosis, I let it get out of hand. Instead of jumping in and trying to start a family, I waited. Instead of jumping into fertility treatment, I thought about it for a long time. Whenever a young woman tells me that she is avoiding dealing with her possible endometriosis, or, is avoiding going to a doctor despite difficulties conceiving, I feel compelled to tell her my story. I didn't know I was hurting myself by not treating my endometriosis. I never dreamed that after ten long years of trying we would remain childless. I never thought we might have two pregnancies, yet have no living child to raise.

Even so, my story doesn't have its ending yet. Even as I write this, we are working on what we hope will be the ending of our attempts to start a family, and the beginning of that new family life through Egg Donor Zift. And there is something I know well from my life experience. I've struggled with various tragedies and traumatic losses. And I've always been amazed at how life works out. Have you ever thought about the wonderful image of green grass finding a way through concrete sidewalks? Whenever I see that, I remember that life and goodness will find a way of breaking through anything. I know that once we have a baby in our arms, (even if it is much later and different than we first planned), I just know that everything will feel worth it, the timing will feel just perfect, and everything will feel right where it belongs!

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