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Entry Nine, August 27, 1997

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The Wait

Hi. I've been home from work, recuperating from the surgery. I was intending to write you about how I learned I could not have a genetic child, and how I became able to celebrate the opportunity of egg donor ZIFT. However, I think it is more appropriate to write about what this wait is like.

I will find out next week if I am pregnant or not. I've been feeling discouraged about the embryo quality. I know that I still have some chance of pregnancy, but I also know my chances are reduced from what they were. I wish I had a clearer picture on just how reduced they are!

I just heard from the andrology lab. I had four embryos put back, and had one embryo that was to be cryopreserved. That embryo did not continue to develop, so it was not able to be saved. I felt really sad when I heard that. Actually, a cryo cycle is not as economically feasible for me as for people who are able to do a cryo IVF cycle (which means thawed embryos placed into the uterus). IVF is an office visit, not a surgery. The expense for a cryo IVF cycle is several hundred dollars. The expense for a cryo ZIFT surgery is several thousand dollars. (At least it is cheaper than the original egg donor ZIFT.) Given that the chances are pretty poor for thawed embryos, a cryo ZIFT would be an expensive cycle with little chance for success. Either way, that is not a road we will be walking down.

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I wonder if I am pregnant now? Has an embryo implanted? I worry a little that my discouraged feelings will hurt my chances. (A friend told me yesterday that if attitude had that much power, the unwanted pregnancy rate would be much lower than it is. I got a good chuckle out of that!)

The time is going pretty slowly. Am I pregnant? If I am not, should we proceed with the adoption process? How long will it take me to grieve never being a birth mother to a living child? How will that impact our adoption process? We had discussed the possibility of trying a second egg donor attempt. We are back and forth on that, due to the expense. Does it make sense to sink that much money into a second chance at pregnancy, when it is such a gamble? Also, how am I going to be able to concentrate on my work next week, if I am not pregnant? I know I will be extremely sad, since this might be our last chance. Are you thinking to yourself "Stop borrowing trouble, Kay! Deal with those questions when the time comes! Wait until your pregnancy test!" If you are thinking that, you are correct. I know I need to take one thing at a time. It is hard not to ruminate, and wander through all sorts of questions.

But let me say two things, on a brighter note. Just to have the chance to be pregnant is a gift. If it was not for egg donor ZIFT, I would have absolutely no chance. And secondly, we are determined to have a family with children. We know this is going to happen for us. We just don't know how it will happen. This next statement is a little ahead of myself, and really part of the next entry: The bottom line for us is that we want children. We cannot completely control how our family is built. Can anyone, when it comes down to it? We can only do our best to build our family in the best ways we know how. And sooner or later, it will happen. And when it does, I know it will feel right, and it will be worth waiting for.
Kay Grames

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