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Entry Twelve, September 9, 1997

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The News

I received some really sad news on Saturday. My pregnancy test came back negative. My Donor Egg Zift procedure did not work. I have been wanting to write another entry, but I have not known quite what to say. I am sorting through many feelings. Over all, I know that I will have children. I just don't know how or when my family will be built. But right now I am feeling less positive. I am aching with this news. I am feeling really sad, and very discouraged. I was so hoping that it would work. I am choking a little over the expense. I am angry, frustrated, at the fact that we did the best we could but hit another brick wall. I almost feel a little cheated, since I've been sick all summer, and have given these last few months to this process, physically, emotionally, financially.

I am really uncertain how to proceed. We knew we would start the adoption process and would consider another attempt at Donor Egg ZIFT. Does it make sense to put more money into a procedure with no guaranteed outcome? How will we feel if we do this one more time, and lose that money too? We want to pursue adoption, but will I truly be able to embrace adoption if I don't start grieving not being able to be pregnant? After all, the way I emotionally arrived at Egg Donor was through fully grieving the loss of a genetic child to raise. Maybe I should cut my losses, and proceed with adoption. On the other hand, I have been pursuing the dream of raising a birth child for a decade. After spending all the money we have to date, why should I balk at one more try? I still deeply want to raise a child I give birth to. I may always wonder if I could have been successful on my second try. I think I could live with another failed cycle and the accompanying debt, easier than I could live with not knowing if I stopped just short of achieving my dream. I really want to try this again.

Here is where I have landed for the moment: I am going to try to see if I can emotionally embrace adoption without giving up hope of pregnancy. That is, I have asked to be placed back on the Egg Donor Recipient list. I already initiated contact with the Adoption center we have targeted. They are sending us materials, and we will be setting up an orientation appointment with them. I will pursue Donor Egg and Adoption concurrently for now, since both entail long waits. (Of course, we need to be completely open with both places.) If by slim chance we should be matched with birth parents before we are matched with an Egg Donor, then we will ask that my name be put on an "recipient inactive" list. If an Egg Donor comes up, we will ask the adoption center to make our adoptive parent file inactive for that period of time. That is our present strategy. This will give us time to sort through these options a little more.

I don't know if you caught what I am doing! I am avoiding the ache I feel by hurrying up with my plans for the future, so I don't attend to the hurt of the present. I tend to do this. It is hard for me not to do this. But, I know from experience that if I don't square off with my feelings, they will submerge and haunt me. So I must say, for honesty's sake, that I am feeling very, very sad that this Egg Donor Cycle did not work out. My hopes were pinned on this last cycle. It was one of those things that usually work for people! I'm feeling pretty down about it. I know I will be my old cheerful self soon enough. But right now things are a little sad. Send me positive vibes, and feel free to write me.
Kay Grames

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