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Kay's Family Building Journal

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Entry Thirteen, September 23, 1997

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Processing the News

I've been working through my feelings over my failed procedure, over the probability that I will never be pregnant, and over the possibility that our family will be built with adoption. I've got a lot of grief over the thought that I may never be pregnant again. I remember the intense bond I felt with my baby Nicholas; how it was unlike anything I've ever felt before. When I've mentioned to friends that I don't know if I could love another baby like that, they tell me that most mothers feel that they could not love another child like they love their first child. That is, they feel that way until they fall in love with their second child the same way. I find this reassuring. I've got a lot of anger over my difficulties in having a child by pregnancy. I know I will be able to work through this. I also had a lot of anger over not being able to have a genetic child, but I've become really comfortable with that thought. One of the gifts of this Egg Donor process is that I've been able to let go of my first choice in pieces. First I worked through my feelings over not being able to raise a genetic child, or a child jointly conceived with my husband. Now I am working through the loss of not being able to raise a child I give birth to. One of the complicating factors is that I may or may not try Egg Donor again, so I really do not know how this will work out.

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I did have an unusual phone call today. I have a friend who is a health care provider. She saw a young patient today who found out she was pregnant. This young girl wants to make an adoption plan for her baby. My friend has checked with an adoption agency to see if they will do a "designated adoption" for us and this child. At this point this is nothing more than a possibility; the girl may well change her mind about adoption, and may not wish to choose us for adoptive parents. This feels like it could be nothing more than a flash in the pan. I will know more about it next week. Nonetheless, it is interesting. We will have to see how this goes.

I am concerned that I am able to work through my feelings about pregnancy adequately. I want parenthood through adoption to be emotionally unobstructed for me. That is, I don't want unprocessed grief to hurt an adopted child of mine. (My husband says he feels happy about the thought of adoption. He feels ready for parenthood through adoption. He doesn't have these same issues). At this point I am seeking to stay with my feelings of grief and anger and all, so that I can move through them to well-adjusted adoptive parenthood.
Kay Grames

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