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Entry Fourteen, October 5, 1997

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Still in Process

I've not heard from my health provider friend on the status of the possible adoption. I suspect that the possibility of this working out is small, so I am just waiting to see what happens. It is encouraging to know that possibilities like this can arise.

I had a really encouraging talk with an old coworker. I was talking about my fears of being an adoptive mother; how I fear that my potential adopted child will never really feel like a real part of our family; how I fear that they will search for a lost selfhood their entire life; how I fear that they may never feel attached or bonded. I did not know it, but she was adopted! She told me how she never felt abandoned or different, how she never struggled with feelings of loss or had identity problems, how she feels so much a part of her family that she resented a genealogy teacher suggesting that adopted children need to trace their biological roots. From what I have read on adoptees, there is a wide range of normal feelings. Feelings of abandonment and struggles over self are normal. Loss and grief over the unknown biological parent is normal. And feelings of attachment and security are normal too. It was so encouraging to speak with an adult adoptee, and hear her happy, attached feelings about her adoption.

I have such painful feelings over this whole issue. I fear that I never will fully resolve them so that I have an unencumbered bond with an adopted child. I am reminded by caring friends that I am still pretty early in the grief process, that my failed cycle was only a few weeks ago, and that the thought that I may never be pregnant is still pretty fresh. This helps. I still feel very angry over the fact that I may never raise my own birth child. I still feel grief over this loss. I still feel intense apprehension over what will be our third choice in family building. (As I've said before, a chronologically third choice does not mean third best! But it may take time to arrive there emotionally). On the other hand, I wonder if maybe part of the reason I am put on this earth is to raise adopted children. I can almost feel this as a "mission". I don't know if this is bad or good, but I am trying it on for size. I will write more next week on how this possible adoption is turning out, how my grief process is going, and what else is in the works. I've been doing some fun, different, creative things that have felt really good in this whole process. I'll tell you more about it next time.
Kay Grames

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