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Entry Twenty-two, December 21, 1997

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An Unexpected Christmas Gift

You will never believe this. I start my medications for my next egg donor cycle on Christmas day. Not only that, it appears that my surgery might be around my birthday. I am really surprised how quickly things have moved! I am hoping that my medication start date and possible surgery date is a portent of good things to come! Merry Christmas! And Happy Birthday to me! Isn't this incredible?

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I also received some sad news. Sometimes certain things are weighted with emotional and symbolic value, above and beyond what the outward circumstances might suggest. For the past several years since I lost my baby Nicholas, I had hoped I would become pregnant again, and that I would be able to give birth to a child that I would also raise. I have already covered how much I want a family, and how I love children. I have ruminated over the issues an egg donor child might have, as contrasted with adoptee issues. I also want to parent my birth child for the same reasons that any other woman wants to parent their own birth child. But there is a smaller, but potent issue here. There is a part of me that wants to have a "corrective experience." The sequence of events in Nicholas' birth went so tragically wrong. I want to do this over again, and I want it to go right this time. I want this wound, this tragic experience of birth to be healed within me. And, I want all the major players to be there, which consist of my husband, myself, the excellent and compassionate physician who delivered Nicholas, and the next baby. Well, this is not going to happen the way I hoped it would happen. I just learned that the physician who delivered Nicholas is moving out of state. I really had not sorted out how much I was counting on a "corrective experience" until I heard this news. I was so saddened. Thank goodness for supportive friends, who will hear me sort through my personal metaphors, who will be with me as I weep through a loss that is more symbolic than actual.

But there is an "actual" aspect as well. I also realized how much I emotionally rely on the support of excellent professionals, even when I may only see them once a year! And, I reflected over how healing and powerful compassion is, when coupled with medical excellence. This doctor has a gift of compassion, which has been very healing for my husband and I as we grieved Nicholas. This is a loss that will be hard to replace. I feel silly being so devastated, but it was a hard thing to learn. I've been told that I am emotionally intense, and that I connect deeply with people. I would not want to be any other way.

It has been a mixed week. I am so thrilled about my next egg donor cycle coming up so quickly! Please keep me in your thoughts, and keep your fingers crossed for me!
Kay Grames

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