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Kay's Family Building Journal

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Entry Twenty-five
January 11, 1998

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In Memory of My Parents
And an update on my Egg Donor Cycle

Today is the twenty-third anniversary of my parents' death. They died in a house fire when I was a freshman in college. It is very hard to believe that twenty-three years have passed since that tragedy. I always write a letter to them on the anniversary of their death, as a way of both memorializing them and healing. (I have a very funny story about the first time I did this. I must share it with you sometime! It is a little too light hearted for today).

I mentioned in past journal entries that I had some difficulties in my early life. It is enough to say that most families have difficulties of one kind or another, and my family was no exception. Many of my "letters" to my parents are efforts to sort out some of the painful memories I have regarding my life with them. In past years I have expressed grief, confusion, rage, as well as love and the sense of deeply missing them. Today I had a very different feeling. As I have worked through and resolved my issues, and as the associated pain has diminished, I have become increasingly aware of one fact. (This does relate to my current egg donor process by the way). I have become aware that deep in my parents' heart, they profoundly wanted the very best for me. Their own problems compromised their ability to express this at times. And in some ways, I have to intuit what they could not express. Nevertheless, I feel this so strongly today. This is the feeling I choose to carry with me.

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Over the years I have met incredible parents who are role models for me. I have tried to absorb as much as I could from them, so I could emulate them when I am a parent. Without exception, they have stories of times when their problems eclipsed their maternal feeling. They feel guilt over the times that they did not act in the best interest of their child. It has made me feel thoughtful. What kind of parent will I be? I do not have any answers for that yet but know a few things. No matter how hard I try to be a good parent, my own issues will at times get in the way of good parenting. And no matter how I might try, and how I might fail, I have no doubt that at the core of my being I will want the very best for my child. I fervently hope that however things turn out, my child can also look back at their upbringing and choose to take with them this one feeling: no matter what, their mom wished them the very best.

Do I get ahead of myself or what? This child has not even been conceived yet! Here is the update on my egg donor cycle. I have been taking my shots for a little over two weeks, and they have been making me ill, as they usually do. (To whine even a little more, I have both an intestinal bug and a bad upper respiratory infection. Can any of you send me some on-line cyber-chicken-soup? I do not think this illness will compromise this cycle, but it worries me a little bit). I had another concern this week. This menstrual cycle was very slow in starting. Had it not finally begun on its own, I would have had to take a shot to jump start my cycle. This would have been necessary to keep me in sync with my donor. And as timing would have it, it would have fallen on the same day I started estrogen. Fortunately, that was not the case.

My donor started her Lupron shots this past week. She will start her fertility drugs sometime next week or the week after. At that point, things will start moving quickly. We will probably have several tentative surgery dates, which will keep moving until the donor definitely gets her shot to induce ovulation. Her egg retrieval surgery occurs thirty hours after her shot, and my embryo transfer surgery occurs the day after hers. We will not get a report on embryo quality until the morning of my surgery. The embryo quality is where our problems occurred last time, so I am hoping for the best there! Right now, my surgery looks as if it will fall in the last week of January or the first week of February. Wish me luck!
Kay Grames

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