Home Page A StorkNet Family Network Site

Kay's Family Building Journal

Kay's family

Entry Twenty-eight
February, 1998

Journal Main Page | Next Entry

Interview with Kay | Interview with Dr. Colver

Glossary of Infertility Terms

Kay's Recommended Books

StorkNet's Journals

StorkNet's Home Page

It's What You Bring To the Table

As I said in my last entry, my egg donor suddenly had to withdraw. I was very discouraged. I felt the weight of every disappointment, every U-turn, every unexpected misfortune, every difficulty in this long infertility struggle. I felt as if there were no way anything could possibly turn out well. For the first time, I started doubting whether or not a child would really be the realization of my dreams. Now, I've observed a lot of people raise children over my past twenty years of marriage. I've seen people who felt that their children were the joy of their lives. I've seen people who were absolutely miserable in their role as parents. I've seen children break their parent's hearts time and time again. I have come to conclude that anything worth having comes with its own difficulties, challenges, and sacrifices. I see that being a parent is no different.

Yet it suddenly appeared as if this trend of disappointments would never end. I felt that if we had children, they would probably be terribly disabled or criminally insane! (As I mentioned, I was extremely discouraged). So I called a friend to talk. I told her how I felt. (Let me tell you a little about this friend. She is an incredibly bright, talented, creative, insightful, generous person. She is the mother of several wonderful children. She also sometimes lacks sensitivity, and tends to be somewhat negative about life in general. Nonetheless, she is truly a wonderful person. You would have to meet her. And as you will see, her comments wound up helping me through this). My friend told me, in very colorful language, that having kids would ruin my life, whether or not they were disabled. After speaking with her, I was so discouraged I could hardly stand it. I was at the point of desperation. So I spoke with some other parents, including the mother of a disabled child, a mother of an autistic child, the aunt of a profoundly disabled child who died in childhood of his condition, and the mother of four very healthy but very active children. They told me that their children were the joy of their lives, and that the disabled children were special joys. The mother of four told me she would like to have another child.

And I finally got it, once again! Here was a woman with several healthy children, who felt like her life was miserable because of them. And over here were people with circumstances much more trying, who were exuberant about what they were experiencing. I believe that at least to a certain extent, it is not about what life hands you. It is about what you bring to the table.

I began to feel encouraged. Yes, we have had setbacks in our attempts to build a family. But is it really a big deal if something takes longer, and is harder, than you planned? I don't think so. It will all be worth it in the end. I just need to take care to cultivate "what I bring to the table."
Kay Grames

Copyright © 2001 Kay Grames. All rights reserved.
Site Design by StorkNet
Please read our disclaimer and privacy policy.
Your feedback is always welcome.