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Kay's Family Building Journal

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Entry Thirty-one ~ April, 1998

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A Gift of Clarity

I think I mentioned that my Lupron side effects are worse this cycle than they have ever been. I have felt so ill, and have been trying to deal with blinding Lupron headaches that never stop. They equal my worst migraines. I have had difficulty sleeping because of them, and have had difficulty working as well. (Work has been especially busy and challenging, which makes this even more difficult). Something interesting has occurred because of this!

For many years now, I have been going through all kinds of procedures, tests, drug side effects, and surgeries in order to have children. As you have read in my journal, I have been through quite a lot both physically and emotionally in order to achieve pregnancy and children. I always had plenty of desire and drive to continue. Even as we viewed this second procedure as our last, I was wondering about a possible third egg donor attempt. I also wondered if I would always feel a lingering ambivalence about ceasing fertility treatment, once we do decide to quit.

I woke up last Thursday absolutely beside myself with a blinding headache. It was so painful that I was just desperate for it to stop. And for the first time in all of these years, I realized that I am truly done with fertility work. I have had a great deal of tolerance for all that we have been through to date. But at this point, I am totally, absolutely, and completely done with what I am willing to put myself through in order to achieve pregnancy.

Don't misunderstand me. I am continuing this egg donor cycle, and will be thrilled if pregnancy results from it! But if it does not work, I am clear and un-ambivalent that I have done all that I am willing and able to do to achieve pregnancy. This is a clarity I never thought I would achieve. I am really happy about it! So we will be fast-forwarding to adoption should we get a negative pregnancy test. And if the donor must withdraw this time, I am most likely done as well. Clarity is a wonderful thing, is it not?
Kay Grames

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