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Entry Thirty-two ~ April, 1998

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Still Waiting . . .

The embryo transfer surgery date is only a guesstimate, until the donor gets her ovulation-inducing shot. At that point, her egg retrieval surgery is thirty hours away and my transfer surgery (ZIFT) is the day after that. The clinic did make a guess for me, at my request. They thought that the most likely surgery week would be the week of May 4. I knew that this was only a best guess, and that we would not know until my donor actually started her period, and until we saw how she did on her medications. All the same, I was very disappointed when I found out last week that my donor was late in starting her period due to Lupron, that they have to give her a shot to jump-start her period, and that my surgery week won't be until either May 11 or May 18. I am so tired of these terrible Lupron side effects. My head has hurt for six straight weeks, and I have had some especially bad moments.

Last Friday I woke up in the middle of the night with a blinding Lupron headache. I had taken a chance and tried to lie down, instead of sleeping sitting up. (Lying down seems to aggravate this headache). I feel so sleep deprived sometimes, because I don't sleep well sitting up. The headache was one of those especially bad ones. I could hardly speak, or tolerate sound, due to the intensity of the pain. Then at 8:00 am, a roofing company came to tear the roof off of our house. (We had hail damage to our house, and our homeowner's insurance paid for most of the repair. My husband arranged for them to start that day). I never knew that this task could be so loud, or that the whole house would vibrate with their work. Even the aquarium had waves from the impact of the roof coming off! Plus, my dog was both frightened and excited, and was running from room to room barking. Then he would jump on me, and jump down, and bark at the roof some more. This actually has a retrospective comic element, if I think about it. But at the time, I was so sick, so sound-sensitive, and just could not believe what a bad day it was turning out to be! Eventually the headache became more manageable, and by late afternoon the roofers left.

I woke up last Thursday absolutely beside myself with a blinding headache. It was so painful that I was just desperate for it to stop. And for the first time in all of these years, I realized that I am truly done with fertility work. I have had a great deal of tolerance for all that we have been through to date. But at this point, I am totally, absolutely, and completely done with what I am willing to put myself through in order to achieve pregnancy.

But it is this kind of thing that makes me very tired, and very anxious to get off of Lupron. It is hard to push myself through work and through the tasks I need to complete when I am feeling so ill. I feel a bit guilty, because I don't feel that I can put forth high-quality effort at work. It is also hard to feel really positive about this cycle, although I am very emotionally invested in it, and very much want it to succeed. I am not feeling very hopeful about it either. I do want it to work. But after so many years of trying, this might just be our success story, and it might only be our last attempt. As mentioned in my last entry, I am ready to move on, if this does not succeed, and that is the good news.
Kay Grames

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