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Kay's Family Building Journal

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Entry Thirty-three ~ May, 1998

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My Surgery is This Week

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Well, I have good news! My surgery is 6:30 AM Wednesday morning. I had moments when I thought I would not be able to finish this cycle due to the drug side effects. I am almost through with Lupron. My last shot is Tuesday night. I am feeling a little more upbeat about the procedure at this point. Pushing through my daily responsibilities has been difficult and exhausting due to this unrelenting headache. I've been mostly focused on the endurance aspect. But now the big day is upon us.

I have been feeling really emotional about this. I still have the sense of clarity that I do not want to attempt another fertility cycle. And, I have started feeling emotionally invested in adoption as an alternative for building our family. At the same time, pregnancy (with babies that survive) feels like something that happens to someone else. That makes me feel very sad. Two dear friends just had babies within the last two weeks. I am happy for them. I also have a sense of sorrow and loss for my own situation. This procedure will be the last time I will have hope for pregnancy. What I am really feeling is not hope, but a sense of anticipatory grief. I am also feeling happy that we at least have this one last chance. Wish us luck.
Kay Grames

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