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Kaye's Pregnancy Journal

Week 20
~ Tired and Angry

I don't know whether I'm fighting a cold still or if I have low iron, but I have been so exhausted this week. Fortunately I am done with school and haven't managed to line up a job yet, so I've been able to spend a lot of time resting, although what I really should be doing is packing. That's right, we take possession of our new house one week from today and hope to move in the following weekend (giving Aaron a week to refinish the floors and paint a few walls). We got to walk through the house last weekend and unfortunately realized that a lot more painting would need to be done than we originally thought. I really wish that I could help out. I enjoy painting and want to feel like I'm doing something for our new home, but Aaron is adamant that even the low/no-VOC paints are too harmful for me to be around. So, I get to pick out paint colours (which is fun) and put up painting tape (not so fun) but I have to be out of the house when the actual painting is being done.

Which leads me to my next rant. I complained to my dad that I wanted to be able to help out with the new house and his response was: "Well, you have to be more careful this time; you don't want a repeat of last time." And he basically went on to say that he and my mom blame me for the loss of the last pregnancy and are afraid I'm going to do something to lose this one too. It's just so unfair. I did everything right last pregnancy. It wasn't my fault that the baby had a chromosomal defect and died. It was a complete fluke. I can't believe that they blame me for the loss. I have never had a great relationship with my parents, but this was just too much for me to handle right now. I don't think I'll be talking to them any time soon, at least, not until I calm down a bit.

Ok, enough ranting. On to pregnancy news. I am starting to feel the baby's kicks a lot now. Pretty much every time I sit down I can feel her moving around inside. It's still too soft for Aaron to be able to feel anything, but I know he is getting anxious to feel them too. The movements are quite a big comfort to me. After having lost the last baby without knowing, I am more reassured now that I can feel this one moving inside me and know that she's still there. On the other hand, I also tend to worry a bit when she's been quiet for a while. I am sure I'll be missing those times of quiet soon when the kicks start becoming harder and more often.

I also found out this week that a friend of mine is pregnant and due on the same day as me! She has also suffered pregnancy loss (two miscarriages and a non-viable pregnancy) and so she wasn't telling people until they got all their test results back, but now things look good for them. We're planning on delivering at the same hospital, and I'm hoping that maybe we can take our pre-natal birthing classes together. I have a few other friends who are pregnant and due soon (mid-February and end of March), so there will be lots of support around. I am starting to get really excited about the pregnancy and can't wait to get into the new house and start setting up the baby's room, I already have so many ideas . . .

Well, I suppose that is it for this week. Until next week,
~ Kaye

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