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Kaye's Pregnancy Journal

Week 9
~ Feeling Well . . . Too Well?

I know, it's ridiculous. Last week I was complaining because of how sick I felt, and this week I'm complaining about not feeling sick. I can't help it, I'm a worrier. I'm so terrified that something is going to go wrong again. I have the first part of my IPS (which will also be my first ultrasound) on October 30th, the day before my last pregnancy's due date! Considering that the last pregnancy ultrasound I had showed me I had lost my baby, I'm more than a little nervous. I just wish it was already the 30th. Having to wait two more weeks is like torture. Fortunately Aaron will be with me this time, just in case (last time was supposed to be just a routine appointment, so he didn't come).

So far it's really hard to think of this as a pregnancy. I really don't want to get my hopes up, although I did break down and buy some maternity clothes this week. My winter jacket broke at the end of last winter, so I needed a new one, and I decided to get a maternity one since I will (hopefully) be pregnant all winter. I also bought myself a couple of maternity shirts, which make it hard to hide the pregnancy, and yet I can't bring myself to buy non-maternity clothes at this stage. My belly is only a little bit pouchy, but the maternity clothes really accentuate it.

I think Aaron's family may suspect I am pregnant. After dinner on Sunday I had to end up laying down because I was feeling faint - we tried to pass it off as a result of my cold, but I'm not sure they bought it. Fortunately they're too polite to come out and ask me directly, although Aaron's mom sent me an email asking if there was anything she should know. We wouldn't mind telling her, except that last time we told her and asked her not to tell anyone, by the end of the day the whole family knew (including Aaron's aunt in British Columbia!). We really want to keep it quiet for now, at the very least until after the ultrasound, and if possible until after the IPS results (after all our first ultrasound last time was fine, although the baby was smaller than it should have been by my calculations).

Sigh. I know it's no good worrying. I know I just have to keep eating well and resting lots and trying not to stress, but it's easier said than done. October 30th cannot come fast enough, and after that, the IPS results. I don't think I will feel "safe" until the results are in and I've had an ultrasound after 17 weeks to prove that the little one is still ok. I know the odds of having another missed miscarriage are the same as having one in the first place, but that's not all that reassuring, considering the fact that I already lost to those odds. Oh well. Nothing to do now but hang in there and take it one day at a time.

Keep your fingers crossed for me,
~ Kaye

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