Entry 8 ~ July 20, 2009 Frustrations and Randomness!
I want to start off expressing some feelings I'm having about writing this journal. I guess I'm mostly frustrated that I am not able to really focus on writing some reflections of motherhood that I was hoping. I don't know . . . maybe I am writing exactly what this journal is supposed to be. It seems like all the stuff that's going on with my own mom has skewed my perspective and clouded my thoughts. I am less reflective about my own mothering and more focused on the external events going on in my family. It's weird to be in this "middle" position. I am forced to care for my own mom as well as my children's needs. My attention is pulled in so many different directions. Ella is having tons of anxiety about school. We need to complete her and Owen's registrations, buy school supplies, etc. I'm having more and more concerns about Lilly's development, or lack of development. Connor, for the moment, seems to need nothing--thank goodness!
I also am trying hard to do my best at supporting my family right now. Mom's surgery has been postponed until next week. So we have had two extra weeks to fret about the future. It has been torture. But I suppose it has also given me time to collect my thoughts and become more prepared. The problem is I don't really know what I'm preparing for. That's the hard part. We are all ready for the unknowns to become known--whatever they are. We are all ready to dig in and get to work caring for my mom. Right now she is just fine. Not sick until the surgery happens.
I don't know how people make it through life without faith. I at least know that no matter what, my savior has promised to carry me through all of it. He will give me exactly what I need when I need it. So I am focusing on what I can do today as a mom and a daughter. I am trying not to look too far in to the future since it just causes me anxiety. I have a good imagination and if I let it run wild, I will drive myself crazy!
On a happier note, the past couple of weeks have been really fun. Camping was great and the visit from my friend was wonderful. The kids have continued to make the most of their summer break. Lots of staying up late and sleeping in late. I'm pretty sure that the school schedule will be a shock to all of us!
I truly hope that in my next entry (which will also hopefully be not too late!), I am more focused. I hope that it is filled with relief and good news. I will definitely be on the other side of the unknowns and dealing with whatever is before me. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my scattered and random thoughts this time!