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Week 26 ~ May 18, 2004
~ Okay, I am terrible at keeping up with my journal!

Itís pretty obvious that I am not that great at keeping a journal. I am not sure why as I think about my babies every, single second of the day. You would think I would be able to put my thoughts into words once a week but for some reason that has proved difficult for me. I still have some weird superstitious thing going on were I am afraid to talk too much about the babies.

But, they are both doing great according to our past two ultrasounds (we will now have ultrasounds every two weeks from this point forward). Eddie (Baby A) is a BIG boy weighing in at 2 pounds 2 ounces at 25 weeks and Anna (Baby B) is weighing in at 1 pound 11 ounces. At first, they thought maybe Anna wasn't growing as quick as Eddie but it turns out she is gaining the exact same amount of weight as him, she is just smaller.

When we heard the news that Anna was smaller the doctor said, "Well, your girl is smaller than your boy but that is no reason to worry." He stared at me when he said the word worry - apparently it hasn't taken him long to figure out my personality. My response was "What do you mean she is smaller, why? Is there something wrong with her? Why would she be smaller?" My husbandís response was "Well good, we want the girl smaller than the boy, don't we?" We think so differently that it is beyond me how we ever got married.

The other news is my complete and total obsession with my cervix length has lessened quite a bit since hearing I am measuring around 4 1/2. I was so proud when I heard that I could barely contain myself walking out of the hospital after the ultrasound. I just wanted to grab people and say, "Do you want to know how long my cervix is?" Just last week my husband told me I might want to tone down the cervix talk when people ask about the babies. I can't help it, I just love to spread my cervix news! At our second ultrasound two weeks later they didn't do the internal ultrasound to check the cervix length but rather checked over the belly - the ultrasound technician (who isn't my favorite) said casually "looks good itís around a 4." There is nothing casual about my attitude towards my cervix, so I double and tripled checked with the doctor that it was still a four and he reassured me though I have to admit my cervix worries are back since the tech was a bit too laid-back for me. Plus, I have to stop reading things on the internet - somehow my distorted mind gravitates towards posts that say things like "everything was fine and then I had this slight pain that I had checked out - turns out my cervix went from a 4 to a 1 in a matter of hours." God, those posts scare the heck out of me.

As I am typing away about my cervix fears, my husband is in the next room painting the nursery and I can hear the paint brush swishing on the walls. For some odd reason I am afraid to go in the nursery - I am still worried something will happen to the babies and having all the stuff will somehow make it harder. We need to get the stuff ready and I can't keep wallowing in all my fears. So, in addition to painting our nursery we have bought the carriage (which I love) - I admit that I was scared of it for the first few weeks but itís growing on me. I had started seeing a therapist one year into our infertility battle to help me deal with the grief over not getting pregnant and I still see her from time to time. I reported to her a few weeks ago that I was a bit afraid of the carriage. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: I love the carriage though itís hidden in the nursery right now.

Therapist: Why is it hidden?

Me: I am slightly afraid of it?

Therapist: Why are you afraid of the carriage Kelly?

Me: Well you see I love it but I am afraid to get attached to it. What if something happens to the babies and then we don't come home with them - then I have this carriage that I love and no babies. I know itís crazy.

Therapist: It is a bit irrational to be afraid of a carriage but you have had many irrational fears throughout your pregnancy so far. You know what you need to do, right?

Me: No, what?

Therapist: You need to expose yourself to your fears. You need to put the carriage where you can see it all the time and get used to the idea that you are going to have two babies, even if something happened to them it would be hard regardless of the carriage?

Me: What do you mean 'it would be hard regardless of the carriage' - do you think something is going to happen to them?

Therapist: I didn't say that - the issue is that you need to expose yourself to your fears. You know what else you need to do?

Me: No, what?

Therapist: You need to put the carriage together, take it outside and walk it around your neighborhood so you get over your fears.

Me: YOU are insane if you think I am going to waddle around my neighborhood with an empty carriage.

Needless to even but I did not take the carriage for a walk around the neighborhood though it is next to me right now as I type. We are bonding.

Next week, I promise I will have an entry after our 26 week ultrasound - I am sure you are all going to be anxiously waiting for the next report on the length of my cervix. Until then, I am off to do some obscure internet research on any weird symptom I can obsess about.

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