These past two weeks have been good. I think I've been feeling baby move here and there but it's not consistent and not even an everyday thing. I'm hoping that I will really start feeling baby soon. I was looking back on my StorkNet journal with Colton and wrote that I could really feel baby move by week 17, so hopefully only one more week!
My face is still broken out like a 12 year old going through puberty. Some days I think it's looking better and then wham! out of nowhere, three massive bumps pop up on the side of my cheek. Hopefully this will go away soon because it's lasting WAY too long for my liking.
I'm really struggling, which is why my journal entry is a week later that I intended. I started this journal last week and then just didn't know what exactly to write.
I know that no matter what I will love this child with all my heart and he or she will always be my baby. I look at my boys and think how could I not want another boy? But, I worry that if I never get a girl I will feel like I'm missing out on something. But I do truly trust in God to give me what it is I NEED to complete my family. If I found out I could be missing out on one of the biggest surprises possible in life. I keep thinking how great it will be on that April day when the doctor or Brandon says, "It's a ____!!!" If I found out I could finally pick a name and start calling the baby by its name. Would it help me bond more if I found out or not?
I could not possibly know because I've never done it before and not found out. I've always known by about 20 weeks what we would be having. Everyone I know who has waited says it's the best surprise ever and they would never do it any other way. I have no doubt in my mind that this baby, boy or girl, will be just as loved as Kaydon and Colton. They are my worlds and I would never wish they had been anything than what they are. God truly does know what it is we need and provides that for us.
So do I trust in Him and leave one of the only true surprises we have available or do I find out because it is a surprise either way? I'm trying to figure out because I know no matter what, a healthy baby is all that matters. The gender is only secondary. I do have to say I would still love and care for a child even if it was not "healthy," but really that's something I feel like everyone just wants a healthy child.
That is a letter that I wrote down trying to decide what will be in my best interest. I know to some it sounds petty. I have finally come to the conclusion that my worry is not really if this child is a boy or girl, but rather if I will always feel as though I'm missing something in my life if I don't get a girl. I know for a fact that if this child is a boy, I will love it just as much as my other two and never once look at him and wish he was anything but what he is.
Brandon and I were at the mall two weekends ago and started looking at baby clothes. Brandon gravitated towards the girl clothes because he swears up and down that we are having a girl. I had to stop myself because I wanted to cry with the possibility of never getting to buy those clothes for a daughter.
After much debate back and forth, Brandon and I have decided to find out what the gender of our third child will be. I think for my own stress level and well-being, it will be in my best interest to find out. At the end of the day, this child is what it is, but I just need to know. I don't want to spend the next 5 months wondering and getting my hopes up that I may or may not have a girl.
I do know this child is loved and will be a great addition to our family. My boys are so excited! (Well Kaydon is excited; Colton is just because Kaydon tells him he is. ) Kaydon says it's a girl as well as every other person in my family, so I guess I will find out soon enough. We are going on Halloween day at 3pm. I will pick Kaydon up from school so that he can come along as well. My plan is to still try and keep it a secret from my family, but I will see if that happens or not. Especially taking Kaydon, I'm sure the beans will get spilled sooner rather than later. So maybe I can think of a clever way to tell them before they just find out from Kaydon.
Everything else is going well. Brandon left Saturday (October 26th) for a work training and will be back Halloween afternoon to meet me at the appointment! So until next week, with hopefully BIG news of who we will be adding to our family!
Week 17 | Week 14
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Pregnancy Week-by-Week, Week 16