Week 18 ~ March 8, 2003
~ My Secret Fantasy
We have finally had a couple days of sunshine and relative warm weather, and it has done a lot to boost my energy level. The days are becoming longer. Neighbors I haven't seen all winter are appearing outside, and noticing that I look a little different! Ana played this morning for the first time with two little girls who moved in down the street while the mom and I chatted.
I love having neighbors nearby. When Karl and I first moved to this area, we rented a duplex located on a farm. Fields, woods, and livestock surrounded us. For three years, I absolutely loved it--until I got pregnant. Almost immediately, I began to feel alone and isolated. I was sick much of the time, and didn't have much energy to drive into town or seek out people like I used to do. When I looked out the window, I didn't enjoy the view of fields and mountains as much; instead I just felt lonely! I wanted neighbors and I wanted to be nearer to civilization. I felt vulnerable being sick and pregnant. And I wanted Ana to have kids down the street to play with. Fortunately, we were able to buy our current house about midway through my pregnancy. Since we've moved here, several families with kids have moved in, and I really appreciate our neighborhood. We're still in a somewhat rural setting; our neighborhood has fields and a mountain next to us, and horses graze in the pasture behind our house. But it also resembles suburbia, because our houses are set in acre and half-acre lots right next to each other, and Kroger, a coffee shop and other businesses are just down the road. Kids and pregnancies definitely change your perspective on what is important. To me, neighbors and a Kroger nearby are essentials in my life! I've even come to appreciate the new Wal-Mart. Diapers are cheaper there than anywhere. These things become important to mothers!
Well, I don't have much to report on my actual pregnancy. I still feel very little movement, which still bothers me, even though I know it's normal. The baby is only four or five inches long, and maybe he/she's positioned so that he's kicking inward instead of outward. But it wouldn't be a "normal" pregnancy if I didn't worry about something, right? So this has been the worry of the week. Or actually the last few weeks. I don't have another doctor's appointment until March 26, which I wish would hurry up and get here.
I got a haircut today, which sounds like a trivial thing but actually signals the letting-go of a secret fantasy I have--that, being pregnant, my hair will grow lustrous and long, down my back, and I can sweep it up or leave it down, enjoying thick long hair for the first time since I was seven. Wrong! My hair was last cut like everyone else that I know--layered ends that flare up and out in the back, with bangs. It has grown out to shaggy, uneven layers and looks horrid. For a while I kept thinking, if I can just wait a little longer it will grow out and I can put it up . . .no, no, no. That is a fantasy of mine. It isn't happening. So I finally let go of the dream and got it trimmed today. Sigh.
I have another secret fantasy that I enjoy when I'm NOT pregnant, but thinking about BEING pregnant. It's the fantasy that I will be one of those gloriously pregnant women who glow and feel great all through their pregnancy. They love their growing bellies and from time to time put their hand on their tummy and softly smile. They are peaceful and happy. They are bonding already with their baby. They don't feel any sense of urgency about getting to the end of their pregnancy; they enjoy being pregnant. And yes, of course they have long, beautiful hair.
HA! No, that is another dream that I have had to let go. The truth is, I don't feel great most of the time, and I'm tired, I feel bloated and heavy, and I'm ready to be not pregnant. I don't feel a real bond with the baby; half the time I'm still wondering what it's doing in there, since I can't feel anything. And no, I don't have great hair. And this is at 18 weeks. Imagine what my complaints will be like in a couple more months! Oh well, farewell to the dream pregnancy; hello, reality!