~ Survivor Guilt and Ice Cream
My energy levels were staying up a little, so I was pretty happy about that! As I started to feel somewhat better, I started thinking about my friendships and people I hadn't seen since the end of April (now it was the end of June!). Without revealing too much, many of the people I am close to have had a lot of drama and tragedy in the fertility department. While many people feel that everyone around them is getting pregnant, I feel quite the opposite! I'm one of the only ones in my immediate circle who's had success. It's heartbreaking.
Aside from feeling somewhat afraid this pregnancy won't make it and feeling sick most of the time, I also am dealing a bit with some "survivor's guilt" because I am lucky enough to be pregnant, and it is actually starting to seem like this baby is going to make it. No one has said anything negative to me and I haven't felt a major strain yet, but it is definitely on my mind all the time. I'm never sure how much excitement to show about being pregnant. Sometimes I wear a dress to hide my little belly if people are going to visit so the attention isn't on the stomach. I'll openly talk about being sick but try not to mention not too much baby stuff unless they bring it up first. I am trying to follow the initiative of each friend and loved one as I go along, but it's difficult to know if you are being a good friend or secretly hurting them.
Every now and again I am having some "feeling good" days! One day I was at my mom and dad's, and I suddenly felt the need to have some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. My Dad sweetly ran to the store and bought another brand because he couldn't find it, so I ate that. But later that day I told Tory we had to go get some Ben & Jerry's! I was able to eat it without throwing up. As a bonus, I realized an entire pint has around 1,000 calories - usually distressing news, but as I've been really unable to eat, it is great news! It is the first thing since April I'm able to eat something and REALLY enjoy it. Wow, what an amazing feeling!