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Melissa's Pregnancy Journal

Week 4
~ Anxiety and Waiting

Backtracking ever so slightly to week 4 (about the time my period should have started), I still had not taken a pregnancy test! However, I knew my body and knew I was pregnant once I was a week late on my cycle. I was still terrified of waking up in the morning and seeing blood. Every morning I would wake up with a rush of fear anywhere from 5 to 7 am and would have to go to the bathroom and pee to make sure there wasn't any bleeding. After that I was still too scared that the next time I went to the bathroom there would be blood, so I couldn't go back to sleep!

Every time I went to the bathroom during the day I would stare between my legs to make sure everything was yellow and nothing else! Being pregnant and losing the baby was just about all I could think about. The moderate anxiety problems I've always dealt with started to get worse as I dealt with fears and really had trouble keeping my emotions in check. I still was trying to be as normal as possible and didn't want to melt down into an anxious basket case for the next 9 months.

Each day was a struggle. Once I was convinced that I was not miscarrying that morning, I would try to somewhat go about the day. ANY twinge or cramping stretching sent me into a panic. I was having some pain on my left side in my ovary area and was worried about a tubal pregnancy. I was also having cramping feelings off and on, and had no idea if it was my uterus stretching or if it was my body rejecting the life inside.

Everywhere I went I was terrified that I'd suddenly start bleeding and crying and cause a scene in public, so I really didn't want to go out. Some part of my brain said that was irrational so I did my best to ignore those very strong urges to stay home and wait for the worst to happen. What helped me the most was thinking about how much I loved my husband and, even though I didn't feel like being normal for myself, I wanted him to have a somewhat normal wife. So, I did my best to suck it up each day and get out there to do what I needed to do.


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Pregnancy Guide Online, Week 4

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