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Melissa's Pregnancy Journal

Weeks 31 & 32
~ What Happened to My Self Esteem?

The past two weeks there hasn't been that much to write about. I've definitely noticed a change in my moodiness. I wake up at night either too hot or too cold and for some reason blame this on Chris. The poor guy. I don't realize that I've treated him so badly until the next morning or afternoon when I think, "Did I really say that to him last night?" Chris is so good he puts up with it, "Yes dear, okay dear." Getting up and out of bed to turn the AC on or off, up or down, opening windows, turning on fans and getting me water.

Part of my moodiness is my recent lack of self esteem. Since I started working full time after college I lost most of my muscle and my dancer figure that I have always had. I danced nonstop from elementary school through college, on several dance teams and taking ballet, modern, jazz, Pointe, you name it and I danced it! Now that I sit most the day and only walk the dog during lunch it has been hard to keep my slender figure I once had. I consider myself mostly healthy; I do give into my sweet tooth at night but try to keep to the fat free frozen yogurts or cereal. It has just been hard to find time to get that extra exercise in. I've thought about joining a gym, but after dancing it is hard to put your body onto a machine when dance was such a different type of exercise. You are dancing for yourself and it feels more like a creative outlet than physical work.

So, with the pregnancy, I've gained over 20 pounds so far and have seen my body go from not so bad, to a disaster area. Although I have no stretch marks on my belly, they have decided to take over my body most everywhere else, my hips, my thighs, my rear, and my breasts. I want to cry every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror after I get out of the shower. My family tells me that I will snap back to myself in no time, and not to worry. But how can you not worry? Chris has been nothing but nice but it is just so hard. It is even harder being pregnant at the same time as these pregnant models and actresses that snap back into their perfect bodies in less than a minute.

On Sundays my brother and I help out in the Sunday school but I have been dreading going each week because it seems that church women are more comfortable speaking their mind! Which can be a very good thing, but when it comes to my current state of mind and self image . . . not so good. So far the past two weeks I've heard "Are you carrying twins?" "You aren't due until late July, oh my you poor thing." "You must be due any day!" I was so eager to start showing and I love my round belly, but I never thought about how hard it would be for the whole world to see all of your personal changes going on inside and out.

I don't mean to sound so negative about my pregnancy. Overall I have loved being pregnant and I am counting every minute that goes by as another minute that we are closer to meeting our little one. I know these changes, physical and emotional are natural and happen to many women.

I was excited to learn at my last prenatal appointment that the baby has "dropped" or is in the head down position. Some days I wonder if she will switch positions again because I'll feel kicks from different angles. This is amazing to me that just like that she went from head up to head down and is getting ready to join us. It also is a bit comforting to me because that means for the moment, I don't have to worry about having a C-Section.

This Thursday Chris and I will tour the maternity center at the hospital. There are 7 rooms or "suites" as they call them. The room you choose you will labor, deliver, and recover in, which I think is a great thing because then you aren't getting up and moving from one room to another. There is a day bed in each room for a partner/friend as well as a stocked refrigerator/mini kitchen and a rocker/glider. The option of water birth is there, although I recently found out that having a water birth is an extra cost. So, we'll have to see about that. But, I am much more excited to be having the baby at this hospital that is close by and accommodating. Although, I have considered that if we are pregnant again in the near future, I might try to have a home birth. But I'm not switching again! That's just a thought for the next baby That's IF I can put this body through another pregnancy!

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