Entry One ~ July 14, 2011
It's a funny thing how as a busy mom you tend to lose track of time. Monday runs into Tuesday, January runs into February and so on and so forth, especially during summer months yet when you're pregnant, due dates, doctor's appointment dates and week to week dates mean so much to you. I suppose I'm going through much of the same thing ... after the loss of our daughter every Friday has been "so many weeks" since her birth or I would be "so far along" this Wednesday and this past July 10th was her due date.
I had a really hard week coming up to this date as I knew she'd already had been here since I'm always induced early. Sitting in the park with my children in the warm sun just reminded me of how sweet things should have been watching her sleep in her stroller while my other kids would be running around happily. Instead, my three year old runs up to every stroller he sees and turns to me and asks when will we have a cute baby to hold. It's been rough. I spent a lot of time going through my baby stuff this week, I donated nearly all of my hand-me-down baby clothes, blankets and toys and sold the baby accessories such as play pen, bouncy seats etc ... Somehow I felt that I needed to clear this all out as the memories of Ava's loss will always be attached to this stuff and it's to much to bear. I did keep the little dress I had bought and intended to use for her homecoming as well as the new stroller I had ordered for her but that's it. I also donated all of my maternity clothes as they were all XL and with my 80 lb weight loss, I'd never fit back into them anyway. Somehow I feel as though if I get pregnant again I'll need a fresh start in order to be able to cope with it.
Now, back to dates ... trying to conceive is really something I've never had to put much thought into. With my first seven children it just happened and I really did take it for granted. My eighth baby took a little longer which reminded me of my progressing age but still, it happened. For Ava it took us nearly two years of casual trying but we had gone into it thinking if it happens it happens and if not we'll be a happy family of ten so no heart breaks. Now that we've lost little Ava it seems that a new pregnancy is all consuming and I'm back to obsessing over dates! Every period starts a new cycle of dates and counting, the calendar is full of circled dates and it seems like an eternity until you get back to your period due date ... I truly find the process exhausting!
I've been taking fertility aid vitamins and fertility green tea which has thankfully kept my periods on an exact 28 day cycle (first time ever for me) which relieves some of the strain and my doctor tells me that as long as I have regular periods there is a good chance that we will indeed be blessed with another pregnancy ... I just which I knew this for sure in my heart! I've also been told that stress can greatly reduce your chances of success ... oh great! Stress has been an everyday part of my life for the past two years. Complications with our farm and finances, everyday struggles of a large family and now my emotional state since the loss of our daughter has really taken its toll on me! If it weren't for my advanced maternal age I'm sure waiting until I was stronger physically and emotionally would have been wise but as my OB/GYN warned, "If you're serious about this, do it now before it's too late." So I'm off and kicking, well, sort of.
Here's hoping that as my trying to conceive after loss journal progresses so will my spirits!