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Nicole's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry Two ~ August 1, 2011
~ Confusion . . .

Well, this month's trying to conceive effort wasn't much of an effort at all! Shortly after writing my last entry I began spotting, ever so lightly. I was exactly a week early from my period due date and the spotting was so faint pink (barely noticeable and only for the one day) that my hopes were up that perhaps it was simply implantation bleeding so my week long wait began. My period due date came and nothing so I decided to take an early pregnancy test which came back negative. I was disappointed but thought that maybe I simply tested too early so tried again five days later ... unfortunately it was negative again. Surprisingly, I felt crushed!

As it turns out my body completely skipped a month's period! I did a little online research and learned that after a major, rapid weight loss (I've lost 79lbs since February), or during times of extreme stress etc ... it isn't uncommon for your body to skip a period or two (or even more). Well, this certainly didn't do much to boost my "blue mood" and ALL trying to conceive efforts for the month came to a complete halt. I could barely tolerate any cuddling or even hugging on my husband's part so intimacy was the last thing I was thinking about!

I just can't seem to deal with the emotions of day-to-day and now the constant worry that I may have reached the end of my fertile age seems just too much to bare! My children do keep me going . . . that's the one thing that hasn't changed through it all and I count my blessing one at a time every night as I tuck them in! It's such a strange thing to try to explain to people . . . yes, I do have eight beautiful children but I can't help but mourn the missing link to our family and no matter how hard I try the emptiness I feel in my heart just won't mend.

Anyways as you can imagine, this little twist in our effort made me completely lose count of my "dates" and cycle. I was even starting to doubt that I could deal with trying to conceive if my cycles weren't even going to cooperate. Emotionally it just seemed to be too much for me at this point. Well . . . I woke up last Saturday (July 30th, if we're keeping track of dates) feeling crampy and miserable and much to my surprise, I got my period!!!! I never thought I could be so happy to see my monthly "visitor," but I was elated . . . actually the happiest I remember being in a long time (pretty sad huh, LOL)! This is actually the first "normal" period I've had since the loss of our little Ava. Before now I had been seeing a lot of clotting, dark coloured blood etc. Maybe I'm on the road to physical recovery?? Now, all I can say is the only person happier than myself would have to be my husband. He's very much up to the task (as much for my sake as his own ) so let's keep our fingers crossed that my next period doesn't show up but for the right reason this time!

A friend of my mother wrote a poem in memory of little Ava. It took me several days to work up the courage to read it but now I'm so happy to have it and thought I'd share it ...

~A part of me~

In remembrance of a little girl,
who wasn't meant to be.
Yet losing her has torn apart,
what others cannot see.

My life is mere existence.
My goal has been destroyed,
and nothing seems to matter
even what I once enjoyed.

I know I'll always miss her,
shine on me instead and take away
the emptiness I feel inside my head.

I just go through the motions,
each day when I awake.
I try to become different, for my other
children's sake.

They had no part in causing this,
they're too young to understand.
I hope they never have to face,
a pain that is so grand.

In time the pain will lessen,
right now it makes no sense.
For her not to be with us,
I'm stuck up on a fence.

I can't free my emotions,
there's no joy left in me.
I have to come to grips with,
she just wasn't meant to be.


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