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Nicole's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 3 ~ August 28, 2011
~ Another Month

Well, not much to report on the trying to conceive front. I was due for my period yesterday and it didn't show so like always I started to get butterflies in my stomach and tried to stay busy all day not to think about it. We packed up the kids and went to a local park with an outdoor pool for the day, and I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me . . . well, as we all know, on a hot summer day parks are packed with babies and pregnant ladies trying to cool off so think about it I did!! Once my husband had the kids settled for the barbeque I decided to escape to the mall for a while where I purchased a pregnancy test. I tested this morning with a big fat negative result. I know it's still early to be testing but I also know in my heart that I'm not pregnant and just needed confirmation I guess. In fact, I've really begun to second think if I can continue to put myself through this every month . . . at my age and in my current health state the likelihood of getting pregnant at all is so small I feel as though it's the impossible dream.

It's been another very stressful month on the homefront which hasn't done much for my state of mind. We had to start bringing in the hay for the winter which I have no idea how were going to pay for this year . . . with the virus inflicting our herd there is no extra money coming in. Thankfully we still get our fresh milk which helps justify the effort involved. We may seriously have to consider selling the kids' ponies though . . . a hard decision to make when the farm is really the only "fun" activity we can offer our brood! There is no money to involve them in sports or clubs and the farm offers them so much more than just pets . . . it's a way of life, a learning experience and a great way to grow up. Unfortunately this month the continued learning experience has been that death is just another fact of life. We lost a little miniature goat kid during birthing and another two older goat kids to "unexplained causes" . . . even our vet is baffled!

I received a call this week explaining that my father was dying; he's been suffering with liver disease (due to severe alcoholism) so it wasn't a real shock but again, heartbreaking and stressful. Death has become such an overwhelming part of my everyday life lately that's it's very difficult to see the bright side of anything anymore. I've lost yet more weight even though I do try to eat enough to sustain myself but with so little appetite it's not always easy to "talk myself into" eating. I've gone from a size 18 to a size 3 in just 6 months! I'm really worried about how I'll feel once the kids are back in school in less than two weeks. Having them around me and keeping busy with their everyday needs has really given me a lift these past two months. I adore being a mom which is why "retiring" my baby making days is so very hard for me to accept!

With everything that's been going on here we decided to give away two of our seven dogs (keep in mind that four are farm working dogs) . . . it was a difficult decision not taken lightly. My best friend offered a home to our Great Pyrenees X Maremma. I've raised purebred Great Pyrenees so "Victor's" personality wasn't one I was used to or enjoyed. He's a goofy, barky and very unruly dog but surprisingly is doing amazingly well at my friend's farm. It works out great because my children really love him, and they are always welcome to visit him there. We also gave away our miniature Dachshund. This little dog was a rescue we took in three years ago and for three years I struggled with his aggression. He loved my younger children but wouldn't hesitate to attack my older sons when things got a little too exciting for his liking. I finally had enough and placed him in a great, more suitable (calm and quiet) home. This little dog is having a harder time to adjust, and I'm just praying he doesn't come back!

Anyway, I suppose I've rattled on long enough. Today's debate will be whether or not to order more fertility enhancing tea or just throw it to the wind and hope for the best. I really hope my period shows up today or tomorrow so I can try to get back on track with my date counting activities!


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