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Nicole's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 4 ~ October 1, 2011
~ More Negatives

Well, I'm afraid this month is no more positive then the last few. Quite frankly 2011 can come to an end at any time and you won't hear me complaining! Shortly after my last month's entry my father passed away. It's a complicated story. "Len" was my biological father, a man I only met in my late teens, after years of abuse by my adoptive father. My mother had me at 19, "Len" walked away from his responsibilities and my mother married "John" two short years later who later adopted me. I suppose my mother felt a need to provide me with a father figure and family life . . . not a great choice! Well, to make a long story short, I had always hoped that I could somehow experience a father/daughter relationship with Len but really, we never did. His drinking came before all else and I suppose his passing made me realize that I'll never get that chance again and the whole thing has left me feeling wounded.

Three short weeks after Len's passing (the day after my 41st birthday), I received a call telling me my grandfather also passed away. He was in his late 90's and lived a great life surrounded by people he loved but watching my aunt (growing a close relationship with Len's sister (my aunt) has been one very positive point to traveling the biological path of my life) go through losing her brother and then her father is a lot to bear! It seems that this year has been all about loss for my family and me.

This month was another "trying" failure/disappointment. I'm technically due for my period today so decided to take a pregnancy test this morning rather than wait and get apprehensive about the whole thing. Not surprising at all, a big fat negative . . . I'd hoped that the nausea I'd been dealing with these past few days were symptoms of wonderful things to come but I suppose it's been caused by stress and fatigue so I'll just have to deal with it. Since Ava's loss my weight has continued to come off and with it my cycles have become very unpredictable. We didn't miss a day of "trying" and the thought that I may never again hold a baby of my own is becoming all consuming. My biological clock is ticking faster and faster every month! I've been hanging on to the stroller we purchased online during my pregnancy with Ava but lately I've been thinking more and more about selling it. I feel that it's just sitting in our attic going to waste but yet, I seem to have an emotional attachment to it. It was bought for my little girl and maybe selling it will be the final step in "letting go" . . . I'm really not sure that I'm ready to take that step. Somehow I feel as though the sale of the stroller will be my acceptance that my childbearing years are indeed over.

I've also been taking fertility aid tea and vitamins in hopes of helping things along these past few months but I think it may well be time to let go of the desperate attempts and just let nature take it course. We really can't afford the extra monthly expense right now as we're carrying a lot of debt trying to get our farm through this rough year and maybe the extra efforts make the monthly failures seem so much harder to deal with.

I am scheduling an appointment with my family doctor for this month in hopes of being able to regulate my periods. I hate to go in as she hasn't seen me in several months and at my last appointment I was 25 lbs heavier than I am now and she was all to eager to get me to "seek help" at that time so I know she'll put the pressure on. If I thought for a minute medication or counselling would help ease the roller coaster of misfortune my family's been on I'd volunteer in a heartbeat! Unfortunately, there's little anyone can do and dealing with it one day at a time is the only solution I can think of.

Well, for now I'm feeling quite beaten and for the upcoming month I can look forward to having to deal with the euthanasia of two more of my beloved dairy goats as well as the possibility of losing our our ten year old dog. Oscar, the Cairn Terrier has been living with a progressive illness for some time and is now showing signs of nearing the end . . . the children will surely be devastated once again, enough already!!!

Here's hoping October's bumpy road leads to a November filled with promise . . . I'm a patient person but this is a ride I want to get off of as soon as possible!!


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