Entry 5 ~ October 7, 2011
~ Brighter Days and Lighter Mood
Wow, I certainly wasn't expecting to be writing this entry less then a week after my last entry! Well, a day changes everything is certainly an understatement. After Sunday's disappointing negative pregnancy test, I kept feeling quite nauseous and was suffering through bouts of fatigue that would make a lion look like an overactive pussycat, LOL! I wasn't showing any other symptoms of the flu and thought there was no way that stress/depression could possibly make me feel this ill so I decided to test "just for the heck of it" one more time. After all, I do know that sometimes it takes several days after a missed period to test positive so, who knows, maybe it was just too early to detect on Sunday, "just maybe".
I went to the bathroom and collected my urine sample when the phone rang. It was my mom . . . so I stumbled to set up the test and let it stand while I tried to carry on my conversation (certainly didn't want my mother to know what I was up to). I got distracted but happened to glance at the test sitting on the counter and there is was . . . TWO LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quickly made an excuse to hang up the phone but really had a hard time keeping myself composed, LOL!! "WOW, it can't be . . . this isn't the way my life has been turning out for me, there's just no way", is all I kept thinking. Suddenly I burst into "happy tears", I can't even explain the way I was feeling but it certainly was a feeling I hadn't felt in a LOOOOOONG time!! Just as quickly as the happy feeling had set in I felt my arm hairs stand on end and panic struck me like a cold winter breeze, "am I really ready for this"???
I quickly (and tried to remain calm) called my husband at work . . . "do me a favour," I asked. "Sure," he replies, "what?" "Pick me up a pregnancy test; I think I'm pregnant." Well after an uncomfortable pause he quickly agreed to run into the store for me, LOL! I had to take a second test just to reassure myself. After all I haven't felt this happy or lucky in such a long time that it surely had to be a mistake, right? Well, I tested again the following morning and there it was again, two beautiful lines!! I've never been so happy to feel so crummy, LOL! I will embrace every nauseous, semi-conscious mood swing with a smile on my face.
I know it's going to be a long journey, and I'll worry every minute of every day but I feel that we have so much to look forward to now . . . my husband says he hasn't seen me glow in top long and was so happy. The kids were thrilled and said that little Ava will be a big sister in heaven. I suppose now that I've gotten rid of all the baby stuff, maternity clothes etc, I'll have enough to keep me busy and this boost in my mood will certainly give me the courage I'll need to get through the upcoming months of appointments and anxiety that will be on my plate. For now, one day at a time and embracing every second of it is all I can think of. I'm certainly looking forward to sharing my journal, and I know that being able to put my thoughts down and reflecting back on every passing week will help me appreciate the milestones to come in the next nine months.
Please God, help me keep this little one safe!