~ Where Are You Christmas?
Not much new or exciting on the pregnancy front this week which I'm very grateful for. Time seems to be on a stand still, at least for the time being but with so much coming up in the next few weeks time should begin to go by a little faster. The stress levels at home seem to be mounting and as hard as I try not to let it get to me, I find my mood to be quite "blue" lately. As I hit 11 weeks today I can't help but think of how close we're getting to Ava's gestational age when we lost her and it terrifies me. I know I was told it was an unpreventable "accident" but I can't help but replay everything in my head over and over and wonder if "maybe" I should have done something different, avoided certain activities etc . . . I really wish there were clearer answers and somehow I could magically protect this little one from the same fate as his/her sister.
As Christmas approaches this year I really just don't feel like I have the energy to deal with the tight budget shopping and can't seem to get into any type of festive mood at all. I thought I'd feel so much better being pregnant for Christmas but I guess it isn't a magical cure. I mourn my little girl so much and wish she were here with us to celebrate all of her firsts. Christmas has always been a difficult holiday for me so I suppose having lost my little girl, my father and grandfather this year makes it that much harder to feel the holiday cheer. We've also lost so many of our farm's pet goats with yet another loss this week. I've known that we'd eventually lose the herd when they were tested almost 2 years ago but it really doesn't make it any easier to accept. We did get out to see the Santa Claus parade last night and it was magical to see my three year old so thrilled. Our community had two large John Deere tractor floats which had him vibrating with excitement, LOL!
I still haven't revealed "my secret" just yet. I've been covering up with baggy sweaters and heavy winter coats while out and about but I have gotten several "you look so much better" remarks when I do happen to bump into people I haven't seen in a while. I've gained 20 lbs already . . . I guess those Rolo ice cream comes really pack a punch! I drink so much water that I dread going anywhere as I'm always needing to scope out public washrooms . . . even just getting out for gas has me pre-thinking which stations have the cleaner rest rooms before filling up, LOL! I really don't feel a need to announce this pregnancy and think I'll just play it by ear until people either notice on their own or even after his/her arrival. I really don't get out much other than to do some grocery shopping and am still happier to avoid any type of social settings. Both of our parents know and the reaction has been the same, very happy for us but terrified that it may happen again so I feel it best to keep the worrying to ourselves.
I have started a list of questions I want to ask both my family doctor and my Ob/GYN when I go back in two weeks. My last appointment was just too chaotic to think of anything else but getting through it. With Ava, the cord was way too thin for her gestational age and I really want to know what could possibly have caused this and whether or not they can detect any warning signs of that on the upcoming ultrasound.
Also, when we got out placental pathology report report back from Ava I was told that there was a partial abruption and several blood clots in the placenta. I did a little (O.K., A LOT) of Google searches and found that this may have had something to do with her passing. I was tested for several blood clotting disorders after these findings but they all came back negative which is apparently not uncommon. From what I've read a baby Aspirin a day can often prevent this from happening again, especially with mothers of advanced maternal age, but I also know that Aspirin can also be dangerous during pregnancy so I'd really like to get the doctor's opinion.
Well, that's about it for now . . . next week, Christmas shopping, I promise!