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Nicole's Pregnancy journal

Week 5
~ Wanting to Tell the World

Well, what a week! I'm so excited that I want to stand up high and tell the world but I'm also so terrified that something will go wrong that we've decided it's best to "keep it in the bag" for the time being. Since losing Ava I've shut myself away from most of the world. I've changed my phone number to an unlisted number, cancelled my old e-mail accounts as well as my facebook account and really try to keep myself out of social settings altogether so this secret won't be so difficult to keep I'm sure. I have kept my two dearest friends close at hand and have developed an even closer relationship with my mother and my aunt through this process so I did choose to tell them; after all I will need some support to get myself through this very emotional trip. Our community/church has been so involved in trying to help me heal through this process that it may be difficult to keep it from them . . . more than anything I want them to share in my joy as they have helped me deal with my sorrow.

My children have been laughing and teasing saying I won't be keeping the secret from anyone close too much longer anyways, I've already developed quite the "bump" LOL! I've always been heavy during my pregnancies so this small frame is something new to me and surely makes my seasoned mommy pregnancy body a little more "obvious." It's so strange to me to look down and see that perfect little round bump protruding from under my rib cage! I've already gained almost 5 lbs, bringing my 5'5" height to 111 lbs, for the first time in months, I'm HUNGRY!! I wake up with terrible hunger pains before the kids are even up in the morning and if I try to go more than every two without eating something my mouth is watering. My body is clearly trying to get itself ready for the journey ahead! Luckily, still no cravings and the nausea is nothing serious enough to write about yet (unless I let myself get too hungry) but boy, I'm EXHAUSTED!! I'm used to keeping 18 hour days but now, I'm lucky to be able to put in 12 (not always fully awake I might add)! I fight the need to nap during the week and sneak a snooze in on the weekends when someone is here with Bryson. I have started getting out to walk my dog, both to help fight off the need to sleep and to help control the lower back pain I've had all week (a new early pregnancy symptom for me).

After writing my last trying to conceive journal I had decided to go ahead and order one more month's supply of trying to conceive vitamins/aid . . . well, as you know two days later I found out I was pregnant; what a waste of money, LOL!! I went ahead and ordered pre-natal vitamins which I'm hoping will come in today. I know how crucial this development period is for the foetus so being a week without my vitamins has me in a panic state but my husband has been working out of town and I had no way to get into town to pick some up from the pharmacy so waiting I am.

The stress level in the house has come down quite a bit this week. It seems like everything is coming together instead of falling apart for the first time in years! Good news, it turns out Oscar the Cairn Terrier's critical state was brought on by a virus and not the Cushings disease he is dealing with. He is finally feeling better and we couldn't be happier! Bad news, the virus spread to our second house dog Chloe and our Devon Rex cat Penny. I've been cleaning dog diarrhea and cat vomit for over a week, gross!! Luckily it does run its course by itself so no costly vet bills. As for my goats, the breeding buck I was going to have euthanized died on his own . . . sad yes, but he was very ill and we spent so much money trying to save him that it was almost a relief to finally see him at peace. The second goat still needs to be euthanized but simply because her arthritis is beginning to rob her of quality of life so we'll let her continue until the weather cools off. Right now, she enjoys the kids doting on her and relaxing her old body in the sun. The one thing Ava has taught me is that I simply can't control everything in our lives and sometimes I just have to ride with the tide and accept what happens . . . but it sure is nice to see good things happening again!!

Well, I guess that's it for now. These first few weeks seem like they'll go on forever, more than anything I can't wait for my first doctor's appointment on November 10th so someone can reassure me that everything is progressing well. As much as you want to savour every minute, I feel as though I'm cowering under a cloud of uncertainty. I find myself praying a lot again. I really feel guilty about this as I had really pulled away from my faith these past few months. I sure hope God understands; I never stopped believing but I sure was upset with Him! If anything, I know I'll need his reassurance and guidance more than any other time in my life right now and I think I may regain a lot of my lost strength as I watch this little one develop and bring our family together to be stronger then ever.


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