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Noelle's Pregnancy Journal

Week Twenty-Nine
~ Shades of Blue

We started this week with a glucose test and a screen for antibodies (done before you get Rhogam) ordered by Dr. W. (Monday). The antibody test was fine but the glucose came back high so I had to go and have another one done on Wednesday. On Thursday I was called and told I could come in for my Rhogam so I left my older boys with our neighbour and put Sam in the backpack and hiked to the hospital only to find out that Dr. R., who had originally ordered the shot, had forgotten to write the order so the nurse in the ER could give it to me. They paged him from a meeting so I wouldn't have to wait around. I got that done (this one you take in the rear end) and walked back home. I was kind of relieved because it was supposed to be given some time this week and by Thursday I was starting to get a bit uneasy about it. Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep track of my own care something will get messed up (for example, I wasn't told I couldn't eat or drink before my glucose test, but I had a suspicion that I shouldn't so I didn't. Sure enough, when I called, the lab people said no eating or drinking). I never got another call regarding the glucose so I'm assuming that everything is okay.

My nesting urges are putting my pain tolerance to the test. I just can't seem to stop even when things start hurting.

I had a rough week with the boys and feel like I do more yelling than talking. I had one really bad day and ended up crying (loudly) for about an hour. I didn't even notice that my nose was bleeding until I actually opened my eyes. Since then I feel like something is missing, like I lost something. Now when people ask me how I am, it's all I can do to say "fine" and not start crying. I can't seem to enjoy anything, and I feel distanced from my family (including my kids). I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to, or like I really care about anything. Then I feel badly that I'm probably just having a pity party. I'm afraid that if people know how I feel, that's what they'll say. Everyone who finds out we're having twins says "you must be so excited". I just nod. The truth is, I feel like a complete idiot. I thought we would be able to find a bigger place; I thought everything would be okay. I'm disappointed and discouraged. I've heard that things are always darkest before the dawn . . . I just hope the sun rises soon. I feel like I'm running out of time and there's nothing I can do about it.

Sorry to be so depressing. I just wanted to be real for a few minutes.

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