Week 17 ~ January 20, 2003
~ Can I Whine?
I really am not a complainer. At least I try very hard not to be. I truly believe that to spend so much time and energy complaining shows a tremendous amount of disrespect for God's blessings, be they hard blessings or the one's we all love.
But it has been a horrible week. I have not felt well since my amnio. I have had a horrible cough and every time I cough, well . . . you know, the usual pregnant woman scenario. Especially one who has already had three kids. Naturally because I didn't feel good, neither did Michael. Turns out we had the same thing . . . pregnancy! Ok, that was a tad sarcastic and I usually don't ask for special consideration for anything because I am pregnant, but a little TLC this week would have gone a long way. Brigid hasn't slept through the night in almost 3 weeks - and my insomnia was just getting better. And unfortunately I don't mean that she is just getting up once a night. Last night it was 4 times and at 5:50am I sent her downstairs to Michael telling her that I have gotten up every night and every morning with the exception of two since she was born and now it was Dad's turn. He made her a peanutbutter sandwich and she came back to bed. And naturally fell asleep and I was wide awake. The kids were out of school on Friday and Brigid was sick with some sort of fever thing. The little rental house is still not done and I am so tired of spending every Tuesday and Thursday from 9am until 11am, my only child free hours, over there painting. The laundry is over the top of my head and the pile isn't getting any smaller . . . I know I have done 7 loads this weekend alone. Brigid has been the whiniest she has ever been. She clings and whines, clings and whines and when she isn't doing that, she is falling down and crying about that. She has been poking me with her elbows and knees every time she climbs on me. Today I tried to find some maternity pants and obviously some other child came with me, as the temper tantrum throwing, pinching, screeching and running away child was not mine! The crowning touch was going into the laundry room yesterday (again!) and finding three pairs of Michael's pants in there with their belts left on the pants. Ok, I turn all the clothes right side out, I spot them all, I separate, unscrunch the socks . . . Do I need to remove the belts as well? The man is 48 years old. Can he not do this on his own? I admit, I lost it a bit. Between that and searching for the DVD remote that has been missing for a week and without which Barney cannot be played, I was not a very nice person.
I am so ashamed of the person I was this week. I didn't have a laugh or a smile for anyone. I really cannot remember the last time I was quite so negative. This makes me not very happy with myself. I know that lack of sleep has so much to do with my attitude and is what makes me so ugly. After three years of so little sleep because of Brigid, I do wonder what I am getting myself into with another infant. Surely God wouldn't give me that blessing to handle yet again? Although I admit, some of our best conversations have been in the middle of the night, I wouldn't mind doing some extra chatting during the day and just looking at my eyelids during the night.
My dear friend Judy put me on her Bible Study prayer list at church this week. She requested prayers for good test results and good control with the insulin. Although it feels so good to be surrounded by prayer, I wasn't quite ready to announce to so many people that I was pregnant. And although the prayer requests are supposed to remain confidential, of course, everyone had to congratulate me. I have been enjoying this time of treasuring the pregnancy without so many people involved. Now I guess, it is time to share it.
The search for maternity pants is not going well. I am crying uncle with my normal pants. I have done the rubber band thing, and have moved on to all my drawstring or stretchy knit pants. I would just love to be able to wear a pair of khakis. Finding some today was not to be because of the invasion of the body snatchers that took place this morning when we left the house. I sure hope that after a good nap, the body snatchers return my well mannered and happy toddler. Back to the pants . . . I am not proportional but what woman really is. I admit, the butt is a tad on the large size. And the waist is a bit smaller. So once the pants fit the back of me, they are gapping at the waist. This leaves me very few options. So after some measuring at home, a quick phone call to Land's End, I have three pairs on the way. I have had great luck with the stretch pants from Land's End and I just hope their stretch twill khakis are as nice. Oh please let them fit!
Could my tension and unhappiness this week be due to finding out the amnio results on Thursday? More than likely. I guess with something like this, no matter how hard you pray and you try to release the fear, it just keeps creeping in. But by Thursday, my fears will be gone and we shall know what gender name we need to concentrate on.
Time to throw feeling sorry for myself to the wind . . .