Week 21 ~ February 17, 2003
~ Such a quiet time . . .
I am sure many of you relate to this time in your pregnancy. You have reached the half way mark (especially if you usually go to 42 weeks like me) and are on the downhill slide. So that should be exciting. But at the same time, nothing much is happening. I still only look a "little" pregnant and if you aren't looking at me sideways, you can't really tell. I don't do many maternity tops so don't have that swingy look going on. I am not sick, have great skin and thick hair, am not all that tired. Things are just sort of humming along right now. I can feel the baby moving lots, but the kids haven't been able to feel her yet. It is too early to start rearranging rooms and getting stuff out of the attic. I'm not going through Brigid's old clothes yet to see if anything will fit my first summer baby. And since I don't think anything will, it is too early to buy anything yet as I refuse to pay full price. I have looked at a new carseat but haven't really thought about buying one yet.
I did go to Burlington Coat Factory a couple of months ago and wander through their baby section. It was a lot of fun looking at all the beddings and cribs and things. But Michael and I just don't do those things. We have really found after three kids that none of it is necessary and is really just a ploy to sucker new parents into decorating and designing rooms. Sure . . . fun but a waste of money in our house. I have bedding from Brigid (my first store bought bedding) that she never used. I love it and can't bear to get rid of it, but don't even plan on having a crib for this baby. Since Brigid is still in her bed in our room, we don't even have the space for a crib at this minute. Note to self . . . Baby coming in June . . . I really need to think about starting to transition Brigid to her own room.
I have started to really take some steps towards weaning Brigid. Michael tried to bribe her last week and offered her a puppy if she weaned. Yes, I am rolling my eyes. I am getting so ready though that I would even give in to this as much as I do not want another dog around the house. She very calmly stated that she didn't want a dog, she wanted to nurse. I am still rolling my eyes. Yesterday after not nursing all day, she was slowly falling apart from exhaustion. So I pulled her up on my lap for a few minutes to calm down and nurse. Unfortunately at three, she is very strong in her suck and I could only handle a few minutes. Taking her off resulted in a huge temper tantrum that resulted in a tremendous amount of guilt for me. After some crying on both our parts, I was able to distract her, but it took a while. This morning we both slept late after I nursed her back to sleep at 6:30. She wanted to nurse again at 8:00 and I was able to talk her into reading a book and getting up for breakfast instead. I have been talking to her about the fact that she is really getting very old and is no longer a baby. I think that it is time . . . for both of us. Michael is going to be home quite a bit for the next 6 weeks so hopefully he will be able to help distract her. We shall see what the next couple of months brings.
Why is Michael going to be home quite a bit? Last Wednesday his back surgery was scheduled for the end of this month. I am terrified on so many levels. I am scared for his life. And I usually don't think about things like that with surgeries. But this is back surgery for goodness sakes. What about paralysis and what would be almost worse is no relief from his constant pain. Then there are the financial aspects. This claim has not been accepted by Worker's Compensation yet and we both wanted to wait until that happened to schedule the surgery. But too many aspects of Michael's life have been affected and it is time to resolve this. We have scheduled all his paid time off to be distributed which of course means no time off when the baby comes but I guess that it is more important that the paycheck keep coming in right now.
Times like this are really the times where I need to realize how God controls my life and hand these things over to Him to handle. But being human it is so much easier to just seize the reins and try to fix things myself . . . something I do all the time. I need to focus on praying our family through this and seeing the blessings that will result. And there will be many. Even now . . . Michael will be home more over the next 10 days before his surgery so that we can get our rental house finished up for listing or renting (which we may need to do to have a bit of an income coming in). He will be able to do some of the shuffling of Stuart to and from soccer practice for the next two weeks that is always so time consuming. He will be home to help distract Brigid so that hopefully we can work on getting her weaned. After his surgery, he will be home for a couple of weeks at least and I may be able to disappear to some warmer climate by myself for a long weekend to spend some Paige time before the baby arrives. So . . . there are blessings. I need to remember these and thank God for them and ask Him to take away the fear. He will take care of us through this as He has at all other times in our up and down lives. He is in control and knows what He has planned for us.
After sitting and thinking through so much of this and writing it all down, I feel a nesting spurt coming on. Believe I will go take advantage of it and do some laundry.