Week 25 ~ March 18, 2003
~ Emotional Times . . .
Oh the joys of being pregnant! Every little thing seems so traumatic and upsetting that sometimes I think it is a wonder any woman makes it through pregnancy with her sanity intact. Thank goodness I am not subject to PPD. I don't think I could handle that feeling.
It has been a week of ups and downs. I guess when I really look at things, there is a silver lining. Michael informed me last week that the company he works for will be pulling out of the ER where he currently works. They have been losing too much money and don't see a way to recoup it so are going to cut their losses. There is a group being formed to run it for the hospital, but I do not believe that Michael will be asked to be a part of that group, nor do I think he wants to. He does work at another ER on a part time basis and they have told him that he is welcome to join their group on a full time basis. This group has only been managing this ER for about 2 months so have not developed any benefits beyond paying their employees. So our silver lining is that he will be getting a paycheck. But the storm cloud on the outside is that we will have no health insurance, retirement, paid time off, vision provisions or dental insurance. I know that there are thousands of people in the same position; I am just shocked by it. We just finished paying for Brigid's delivery with no health insurance and I am not quite sure I am ready to do it again. Of course we will have the option of COBRA, but at $900 a month, that will not last long. Fortunately we only have to pick up for the month of the baby's birth and then can make decisions from there. So . . . there is a silver lining, I am just having to search for it. And who knows . . . May 31 almost 10 weeks away and a lot can change by then.
When I get worried about things like this, I feel so conflicted. After all it is my family and I have a right to be worried and scared about what is going to happen to them. But God asks me to give Him dominion over my life. So if I am to be truly obedient, I am not to worry, but to hand the troubles all over to him to take care of. It is so easy to say that and so hard to do. When I think back to me handing over my fear about this pregnancy, it was relatively easy. But for some reason fears over financial issues linger on and on and on. Michael says quite often that my security is tied up with money and he is right. I have never been able to figure out the root of this insecurity but it is there. And being married to a spender (especially when I tend to be one myself) doesn't help. I spend so much time hoarding money from him so that I can keep us afloat in times like those that are coming up, that I am usually mentally exhausted. So once again, here I go trying to hand things over to God and dealing with my feelings of not having any control over the situation. He can fix it and He will . . . He promised to care for my every trouble. I am resting my head on that!
On the baby front . . . not much to share. I am just growing and growing and loving every minute of it. I so love being pregnant and all the stuff that comes along with it. I feel so grateful to be experiencing it one more time. She is moving all over the place, all the time. I find every wiggle so reassuring that I never complain about it. Briggie loves to fall asleep with her hand on my stomach and grins every time she feels a kick. Wonder if she will be so excited when she gets kicked for real in a few months? Some days it is still so hard for me to accept that it is the last time. I think that Michael is having a hard time with it as well. Unlike when I was pregnant with Brigid, he is always caressing and talking to my stomach. I wonder if the difference this time is that we both know this is the last time and with Brigid, we both said it was the last time, but I guess neither one of us believed it. I wish I could find the words to express my emotions. Again words fail me.
Just over 10 days to go and Michael returns to work from his back surgery. On one hand I think we will both be glad. But on the other hand, it has been so nice to not be a single parent for a while. It is wonderful to share discipline, bedtime duties, kitchen duties and the taxi duties. We have had this type of working arrangement for so long that sometimes I think we forget we are actually a team. It has been a nice change. I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to having to do it all on my own again? Guess some good comes out of being an independent, take charge type of person. I have done off and on for 6 years . . . so I can do it again.
Time for my 30 minute nap! What a way to get through the day. I just hope I can persuade Brigid that it is time for her 30 minute nap! Nothing like trying to persuade a 3 year old to do something she doesn't want to do.