Week 32 ~ May 6, 2003
~ Leg Cramps and Kitty Kisses . . .
This seems to be the pattern of most of my nights now days. I have had some minor leg cramps here and there, but last night a wicked one woke me up from a dead sleep. It was a cramp on my inner thigh like I have never had. So I am massaging and stretching and massaging and pushing my heel down and pulling my toe up trying to get my leg nice a straight and all of the sudden, my shin starts to cramp as well. Now, there isn't a whole lot you can do if you have two muscles that require exact opposite stretching to relax. So of course I make the decision that I have to get up and walk it all out. I roll over with little moans and grunts and get out of bed forgetting about the sciatica on the right hand side that makes it just a little tough to bear any weight on my leg for a minute or two and end up crumpled in a little heap on the floor leaning against the bed. *sigh* I realize that I am going to be here for awhile and reach over, turn on the light, grab a pillow, the heating pad and my book. I get myself all organized with my heating pad on the cramped leg to try and loosen things up and start reading. Might as well enjoy this little sojourn into wakefulness in the early AM hours. Naturally Brigid wakes up. I can hear her sit up in bed, but I can't see her bed as I am on the floor still. She calls for me. I am sitting here wondering how on earth I am going to go and get her as walking in the middle of the night from point A to point B is not her strong suit. I ask her what is wrong and she replies that nothing is. So I tell her to lie back down and go to sleep. She says ok and does it. Will wonders never cease? This has to be a first for her. I sit there for about half an hour, rubbing and heating and loosening and eventually get myself back into bed. Of course now, I am really involved in my book . . . the seventh book in the Mitford Series by Jan Karon - books that are truly appreciated by those who attend small Episcopal Churches in small towns - and don't want to put it down. At 4:30am I realize I am doomed for today and make myself turn off the light. And yes . . . I am doomed for today!
Now the kitty kisses . . . I have a cat that is pretty affectionate, but usually doesn't bother with me too much. She comes up to get a pat and a rub and gives me a kiss or two but that is it. The past two weeks this cat has been in my face every minute of every day. She is obsessed with my stomach and is constantly kneading and patting it. She licks me all the time and I cannot count the number of times I have woken up to her laying on my side and licking my cheek. She was not like this when I was pregnant with Brigid and if she doesn't knock it off soon, Marble will learn what it is like to sleep all by her lonesome on the back porch! I know that some animals really sense pregnancy but this is a tad ridiculous. If I didn't know better I would wonder about her being pregnant as well! The kitty kisses must end soon!
I spoke too soon about my control over my diabetes. The past 10 days I think all of my fasting levels have been above 95 with the exception of four. That is not so good. My evening meals haven't changed so much that I should be having that much trouble so I believe that I am starting to show some signs of insulin resistance. I called yesterday about upping my dosage to 15 units at bedtime and haven't heard back yet. Max must have had lots of babies to deliver yesterday as he is usually so good about getting back to me quickly. Maybe he just wants to wait until Thursday. But I bet it has to go up. I do feel blessed that I have been not having any troubles up until now and I only have about 7 more weeks to go.
We got a shock in the mail yesterday. Michael's insurance benefits terminate on May 31 not on June 30. So we are going to have to come up with the $900 COBRA payment for June. This is so disappointing. I guess I am being a bit ungrateful and selfish and feel like he and I can't seem to catch a break with this. We had the same issue with Brigid's birth and just finished paying it all off a few months ago. It just doesn't seem right that we have paid all these insurance premiums for all these months and now I have to pay another $900 at least . . . if not $1800 to get this delivery covered. I realize that many women do not even have this benefit however; many of them go through Women's Clinics and don't pay a dime for their care either. Such a selfish and ungrateful point of view and I am not happy with myself for having it. I guess that this news on top of the stressful week we have all had has just taken away some of my Christian caring and turned my thoughts to myself instead.
My bible study this week has once again focused on the purpose of suffering and has stressed that suffering with God is never without a purpose. My mind knows this . . . It knows that God uses all suffering to bring us closer to him, but at times like this my head and heart have a hard time wrapping around that thought and letting go of the burden and fear. I know that God uses this with me as financial instability is one of my biggest concerns. I know that my children are safe with Him. I know that my husband is safe with Him . . . but I wonder daily how my financial well being can be safe with Him. And here is the promise that it is . . . Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" And of course, I know that the answer to this question is a resounding no. He has never failed to fulfill. If I doubt that, I only need to put my hand down and feel this little girl moving around.
And for another week, I struggle to remember the blessings in my life and focus on those instead of the issues that bring me to my knees.