Week 37 ~ June 10, 2003
~ Wishy Washy Doctors
Okay . . . I know that Max has my best interests at heart, and he is the doc, and he is trained, but to just change his mind out of the blue . . . does he have any idea what he has done to my state of mind? My appointment on Thursday was the usual, check cervix and NST. Guess what? I was informed that I am not even a "fingernail" dilated. I am not surprised and given my history of going from 0 to 10 at 42 weeks, I don't know why he is. I did dilate with Stuart prior to going into labor. I was 4 cm at 38 weeks and still didn't deliver him until 42 weeks. If I had heard, "Any day now" one more time I was going to scream! With Caitlyn, I had an appointment at 42 weeks and I had no dilation at all. At 42 weeks and 1 day, I was delivering. And with Brigid, I hadn't dilated a bit at 39 weeks and my doc at that time would not consider not inducing me because of the gestational diabetes. So I started Pitocin at 0 and still made it to 10 and delivery in 5.5 hours. But Max is really against induction if there is nothing going on with a cervix and I so understand and appreciate that. I really don't want to do it either. But I have had June 25th as the delivery date set in my mind for so long that I had a hard time accepting that he may just let me go until 42 weeks. Then the idea of starting labor on my own and sitting there with a watch and timing the contractions for a bit just to see if this is it thrills me to no end. Guess I now have to wrap my mind around the idea of 2 months of COBRA instead of one as well. Of course there is always the hope that I will have started dilating at this Thursday's appointment, but I refuse to get my hopes up this week like I did last week. The words "You have dilated" will not cross my mind at all! Promise!
We only have one more week of school . . . finally. Brigid is dying for the kids to be out of school. She misses them so much when they are not home during the day. Of course they are only home for one week before they start Art and Tech Camp at Magnet School. They usually have at least two weeks before starting but with all of our snow days, they have had to go a full 5 days to make it up. I hate the fact that Brigid doesn't have something like this during the summer the way that they do. She loves to be around them so much. She truly is the adoring little sister. I hope that we can have one good week of pool weather before Magnet School starts, if only our nice weather of this week holds.
I was actually able to make some headway in my garden this week . . . not much but a bit. I sprayed for some weeds, but think the rain rolled in too quickly and washed it all away. So may have to do that again. I got some sticks raked up and pots emptied of dirt that were in terrible shape after our horrible winter. I usually only have to empty out a few inches from the top, but this year I had to totally empty about 7 of my big pots. I got some of the plants in that Michael and the kids gave me for Mother's day but am not sure if they are going to live. They were actually rotting from all the rain. I got some seeds spread and got my huge ceramic pot out and filled with water for my fountain. I love to sit on my patio in the early morning with my coffee and listen to my fountain. Now if I could just finish sweeping off the patio, it would be set. We lost a part of a gutter there and it is still a mess from that. While I still have some energy, I hope to finish getting in my plants so I can enjoy the colors all summer. Planting always gives me more energy; it is just all the weeding I hate. And with our weird winter, there are weeds around that I have never seen and are monster truck size. They are scary!
I am still suffering from horrible insomnia. Probably still all the stress from trying to sell this rental house. I go to sleep thinking about it, wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it and wake up after an hour more of sleep thinking about it. Isn't it ironic that at the time you need the most sleep, you can't. Just doesn't seem fair. We have had another offer on the rental house and it is a much better offer for us. Even without this offer, we had started to make the moves to get out of this first contract as we were getting nickeled and dimed to death and it was really starting to wear on me. Every time we turned around there was something else that needed to be replaced. We were up to $5000 in repairs and the buyers were not willing to kick in more than $500. The agents were willing to kick in $500 each, but the buyers still wanted a home inspection and so there is still no guarantee that the house will close. We have invoked a repair clause to try and void the contract and get to work on this second one. But all of this is really starting to get to me. I have done every negotiation on this sale from the day we listed it and I have asked Michael to make one phone call and invoke the repair clause and 24 hours later, he still hasn't. I am so frustrated by his lack of participation in this. I have gone over to that house at 9pm to meet contractors, at 8am to meet contractors, woken Brigid up from a nap to meet contractors, and taken phone calls while I am napping. All I want is for him to make this one call while he is home. Sometimes men . . . I'm sure I need not say more.
I am trying to make the most of the insomnia though. I still use it for prayer time. One of my BSF seminars was about creating an effective quiet time and teaching us how to really analyze passages from the Bible. I really enjoyed it and have used it quite a bit since BSF ended. I still haven't come up with a consistent quiet time as when I have been up for 3-5 hours during the night; I cannot fathom getting up at 6am, but have used it a few times in the middle of the night. I am working my way through Psalms which is one of the best places to find so many of God's blessings. When I am lying awake in the middle of the night and am cursing the lack of sleep, I really do need to know that there is a blessing out there for me. I have found that this is a good time for me to really enjoy my last days of pregnancy. My days have been so full lately with swim team, end of the school year activities, gardening, organizing the house for a baby and girl scouts, that finding time to sit with my hands on my stomach and enjoy the thrills of the kicks and rolls and the hiccups have escaped me. So instead of moaning that I am awake yet again in the middle of the night, I click on my heating pad, adjust my pillows and lay my hands on my stomach and just enjoy it for a time. I find that it does give me some peace and settle my mind.
I really think that this will be my last pregnancy. Realistically speaking, my body just cannot do this again and these last few weeks have been hard. I am not sure I want to go through these later weeks again. And the idea of rushing the weaning of this baby so that I can get pregnant again before I get too much older isn't really very attractive. So I think I just need to focus on what I am experiencing now and try very hard to focus on the joys that are here right now during these last 2 to 5 weeks. However short or long a time it is, these joys are mine and mine alone and I need to try and treasure them these last few weeks instead of wishing them away.