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Paige's Pregnancy Journal

Week 9 ~ November 25, 2002
~ The Fear is Back

You know, before I had a miscarriage, I was so confident and careless about being pregnant. My confidence was so shaken last December when I lost the baby. It never really occurred to me that I would ever have a miscarriage. Why should I? I had had three pregnancies and no problems at all. Why should this one be any different? But I did lose it. Was it ever a shock to me and I spent a lot of time asking why. I came to one conclusion. One based on scripture which is where I turn for many of my answers. In my search I found the words I needed to move on. 2 Corinthians 1:4-5 basically says that my suffering and comfort is so that I can comfort those as I have been comforted when they are suffering the same troubles. This gave meaning to my loss, which was all I needed to move on. My loss taught me an invaluable lesson about what it is like to lose a baby, no matter the age and has given me the compassion that I need to try and comfort others who have experienced a loss.

At the same time I made the decision that a pregnancy would never again be approached the same way. Instead it would be a blessing, a gift, a privilege; one that was mine to experience and enjoy and treasure, no matter for how short or how long.

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While that attitude has helped me to relish in every ache and pain, it hasn't helped me with the fear that came gushing over me this week. Every time I am not sick I wonder. Every time I am not exhausted I wonder. This week has been one of me wondering. I had four good days and only three bad. While those three were really, really bad, I wondered about the four good ones. So again I search…This time I find Psalm 91, the wonderful Prayer of Protection. Its words reassure me and bring me peace. As does Isaiah 41:10 and 41:13. Both of these verses make it clear to me that I am not to fear. I have turned to these words again and again this week as I doubt my ability to carry this baby to term.

Ok, so mentally I hit a wall this week and I got passed it. How about physically? Got a follow up call from the nurse about all those tubes of blood. No hepatitis (I was worried about that ), A+ blood (don't know that I ever knew that), and no RH problems. All that blood for three measly tests? I failed my fasting test of my 3 hour GTT. I can't believe it. This does not bode well for my future as the fasting level was the one with which I always had a problem. I only failed it by one point, so I am not starting on insulin yet but I am picking up my glucometer next week and will be starting 4x daily finger sticks. This will get me out of doing all the other 3 hour GTTs though. Thank goodness. I am not sure that I could swallow that nasty stuff 6 more times. I have been trying to follow the diet; no carbohydrates in the morning and a protein with every carbohydrate and of course, no sugar. On top of that, eating 6x a day and consuming between 1800 to 2000 calories a day. :eek: No way! I am not sure I could ever eat that much. When Dr. Max told me that, I burst out laughing. I had the opinion that I wasn't doing too bad with the diet, but as I sit here eating my Toasted Cheese Ravioli and Marinara sauce, I wonder how good a job I am really doing. Of course, the Tums chaser is the clincher.

We have finally made a decision when to tell the kids. I told Michael that it doesn't really matter whether I am 9 weeks or 29 weeks, something could happen at any time and I really didn't see the sense in not sharing it with them soon. So Thanksgiving is the day. I truly believe they deserve to share in the joy. And don't forget . . . the fear has been banished!

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