Week 9 ~ November 25, 2002
~ The Fear is Back
You know, before I had a miscarriage, I was so confident and careless about being pregnant. My confidence was so shaken last December when I lost the baby. It never really occurred to me that I would ever have a miscarriage. Why should I? I had had three pregnancies and no problems at all. Why should this one be any different? But I did lose it. Was it ever a shock to me and I spent a lot of time asking why. I came to one conclusion. One based on scripture which is where I turn for many of my answers. In my search I found the words I needed to move on. 2 Corinthians 1:4-5 basically says that my suffering and comfort is so that I can comfort those as I have been comforted when they are suffering the same troubles. This gave meaning to my loss, which was all I needed to move on. My loss taught me an invaluable lesson about what it is like to lose a baby, no matter the age and has given me the compassion that I need to try and comfort others who have experienced a loss.
At the same time I made the decision that a pregnancy would never again be approached the same way. Instead it would be a blessing, a gift, a privilege; one that was mine to experience and enjoy and treasure, no matter for how short or how long.
While that attitude has helped me to relish in every ache and pain, it hasn't helped me with the fear that came gushing over me this week. Every time I am not sick I wonder. Every time I am not exhausted I wonder. This week has been one of me wondering. I had four good days and only three bad. While those three were really, really bad, I wondered about the four good ones. So again I search…This time I find Psalm 91, the wonderful Prayer of Protection. Its words reassure me and bring me peace. As does Isaiah 41:10 and 41:13. Both of these verses make it clear to me that I am not to fear. I have turned to these words again and again this week as I doubt my ability to carry this baby to term.
Ok, so mentally I hit a wall this week and I got passed it. How about physically? Got a follow up call from the nurse about all those tubes of blood. No hepatitis (I was worried about that ), A+ blood (don't know that I ever knew that), and no RH problems. All that blood for three measly tests? I failed my fasting test of my 3 hour GTT. I can't believe it. This does not bode well for my future as the fasting level was the one with which I always had a problem. I only failed it by one point, so I am not starting on insulin yet but I am picking up my glucometer next week and will be starting 4x daily finger sticks. This will get me out of doing all the other 3 hour GTTs though. Thank goodness. I am not sure that I could swallow that nasty stuff 6 more times. I have been trying to follow the diet; no carbohydrates in the morning and a protein with every carbohydrate and of course, no sugar. On top of that, eating 6x a day and consuming between 1800 to 2000 calories a day. :eek: No way! I am not sure I could ever eat that much. When Dr. Max told me that, I burst out laughing. I had the opinion that I wasn't doing too bad with the diet, but as I sit here eating my Toasted Cheese Ravioli and Marinara sauce, I wonder how good a job I am really doing. Of course, the Tums chaser is the clincher.
We have finally made a decision when to tell the kids. I told Michael that it doesn't really matter whether I am 9 weeks or 29 weeks, something could happen at any time and I really didn't see the sense in not sharing it with them soon. So Thanksgiving is the day. I truly believe they deserve to share in the joy. And don't forget . . . the fear has been banished!