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Paula's Pregnancy After Infertility Journal

Week 17
~ Overactive Imagination

My glass is usually half empty. I'd rather be prepared for the worst-case scenario than go into something and end up getting a nasty surprise. Not the best way to be, I know. Believe me, I'm working on it and it is an uphill battle. Jeff thinks I've made progress, but it seems like baby steps to me.

Anyway, I'm a moderator over at StorkNet's official message board. I finally got to moderate a Stork Delivery forum for October/November/December 2006. At long last! Last week was a tough one on the forum because two women found out they were going to miscarry. Although I'm past the first trimester, it still planted a little seed of doubt and worry in my mind. While following up on them at our Support for Losses forum, one of the other moderators posted her story of how she lost a baby at 17 weeks. Well, that just struck fear in my heart. I started to think about how I hadn't felt the baby move very much. Of course, I hadn't! I'm only 17 weeks! I started thinking about stopping at the hospital where I work very sporadically to see if I knew any of the nurses and if I could talk them into letting me listen for the heartbeat with one of the Dopplers used to detect blood clots in patients' legs. Finally, I pulled out my stethoscope knowing full well that I wouldn't hear a thing and tried to listen for a heartbeat. Naturally, nothing and I had two more days before my next appointment. Boy, did they crawl.

On Friday, I went in, told my doctor my dilemma and she said, "Let's listen right now!" Well, that little baby rascal couldn't be found for 1-2 minutes. It seemed like the longest minutes of my life. Finally she said, "Let's listen down here," and she positioned it really low. That little baby was all the way down by my cervix; already freaking Mamma out! After all that, the heartbeat sounded great at 146. What a relief and I felt so foolish! Fortunately, my doctor is very understanding and is a mom herself. She said that she notices that women who already have a child are thinking about things more when they come in for subsequent pregnancies. Yup! That would be me.

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