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Paula's Pregnancy After Infertility Journal

Week 5
~ Why ask why? Or in my case, "How?"

Well, I probably shouldn't be thinking about it, but it's hard not to do it. We have done essentially the exact same thing every.single.month for three and a half years. I don't even want to tell people that it happened on a non-medicated cycle because I really don't want to hear, "See! You just had to relax." I can tell you there have been far more non-medicated cycles than medicated ones and they amounted to a hill of beans.

Anyway, here's what transpired the two months prior. I did medicated IUIs in October and November. Great response; both failed. By November, I was beginning to truly feel a level of hopelessness that I'd not felt before. Additionally, I was guilt-ridden that my fixation on getting pregnant was not allowing me to be the best mom I could be to my living child. I decided to see a psychologist to help put the whole trying to conceive issue in a better perspective. During therapy, we discussed my reasons for wanting another child. Oddly enough, those first few sessions helped me come to a better place just knowing why I wanted another baby.

Mentally, I had prepared myself that the final IUI in our plan was going to fail, too. I really was planning to go through the motions in January just to get to the other side of the cycle. Jeff and I had started talking about adopting. One of my friends adopted her daughter from China last May and she was really encouraging us to go that route. We were considering Guatemala, but after talking to my therapist, I knew I really wanted to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding again. That's when Jeff and I started discussing doing a donor embryo cycle.

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Physically, I'd had my thyroid levels checked and my TSH was at an all-time low at .50. I was feeling great from that standpoint. My meds stayed the same and I decided not to stress myself during the holidays by doing the last IUI during December. Julia had winter break the week before Christmas. I do the bulk of the Christmas shopping. We have family over for Christmas Eve fondue. And if that weren't enough, my mother-in-law came to visit for five days between Christmas and New Year's Eve. It would have been really difficult to schedule ultrasound and blood work appointments during the holidays.

I temped just enough to know I was ovulating and that was it. We "did the deed" (New Year's baby ) and that was the end of that. I didn't give the two week wait a second thought. The rest is history.

So . . . what was it? Was my thyroid level down to where it should be to maximize conception? Was I more "relaxed" because I wasn't thinking about it? I can tell you I was less than relaxed during the holiday season. Is there a difference between stress caused by trying to conceive versus stress caused by the holidays?! Or was I in a better place mentally after talking to my counselor? I know I will never have the answer to these questions. In the end, does it really matter?

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