It is indescribable how in love and how blessed we are to have Adisyn in our lives. We look forward each day to see what she's going to do next. I love that she's becoming more interactive and smiling more each day. Her smile is all we need to brighten our day!
This past month has been all about new adjustments. It seems like the first month you're just getting into the swing of things and thinking "hey, I can do this". But, I found out that you never want to get stuck in a routine, because it can change very quickly.
Adisyn has been doing well sleeping 4-5 hours a night since about 4 weeks old. It seems like we just about got her to six hours, then things changed. I went back to work, which has been a hard transition for me. The hardest part of it was not the physical aspect of not getting that deep, well-rested sleep that I once had. Instead, it was the emotional toll of leaving my little girl at home all day. As I mentioned in my last journal, my MIL is staying with us and is watching her during the day, which I know, has made it slightly easier for me to leave. But, I almost feel like I'm jealous of my MIL for being able to spend all that time with her. I want to be with her throughout the day! I never thought I'd say this, but it was so much easier when I was at home with her. Now, on the other hand, I only get to see her in the wee hours of the night, when we first get up and when I get home. I miss tugging her along with me as I clean the house during the day or getting a cat nap in with her beside me. Needless to say, going back to work has been so hard! I love my job but my I love my family so much more. How do I know I'm doing the right thing by working? I know that I don't have the option, but it doesn't make it any easier! Post-partum hormones don't help the situation either. I'm much more emotional and with my feelings of guilt and neglect to top it all off. But, it also makes my time with her so much more cherished than the last. I can't wait to see her at the end of the day!
Now, since returning to work, I feel like a breast-pumping machine! I treat the valuable milk like liquid gold; it's the one thing that I am actually providing for her when I'm not there so I don't want anything to happen to such a precious substance. The whole pumping routine at work is awkward for me. I'm usually very reluctant to discuss personal bodily functions at work, but now breasts, breast milk and pumping have become everyday vocabulary with my co-workers and I. I pump every three hours which means that I pump at work twice and at lunch I go home and nurse. So, when I disappear for my 20 minutes or so, they know that there is a very serious task occurring.
The whole pumping and storing thing has been a learning experience. Weeks before I went back to work I tried to freeze a little here and there as a reserve. When I pump, the morning time pump will provide Adisyn with her dinner and my afternoon pump supplies her for brunch for the next day. Now, if I mess this up somehow, then we have to tap into the reserve, which I really don't want to do, because I hope that continues to build for things like vacations. Everything seemed to be going smooth until one day my liquid gold somehow emptied everywhere in my little cooler. I was devastated! Now, I am so careful about storing the milk that I feel like it's a top secret science experiment and I don't want to contaminate anything, making sure every specimen is tightly sealed in its air-tight container, down to the last drop. I really didn't know how I'd feel about pumping at work. I know that it takes time, but I appreciate it even more now! I love that I can still supply her with her nutrients and meals even when I'm not there. I guess it's my one little way of being able to provide for her when I have to work.
Adisyn had her two month wellness check-up. She's growing very well and she got her first shots. I didn't realize how hard that would be to see her go through getting her immunizations! Luckily Mark was off too, so we both went in and we both witnessed the whole process. She didn't feel good for two days later because she had diarrhea, was fussier, spit up a lot more and was exhausted. She also wanted to nurse a lot more (1 ½ - 2 hours) which I assumed was because she was just so sore. Thankfully it was the weekend, so I was home with her and I was happy to oblige so I didn't have to worry about her getting dehydrated. We really like her pediatrician and he gave us very helpful information on things we'll be working on next (such as when to start eating rice) and when it's ok to start to have her to sleep in her own room. Of course he said we can go at our own pace, but the sooner we start having her sleep in her room, according to him, the easier it will be later. So, it looks like this will be our next adventure we'll be working towards, when she starts to feel a little better.
Speaking of sleeping in her own room, one issue we've had with the whole transitioning back to work is Adisyn's sleeping arrangement. She has a lot of gas at night, which wakes her up, until we console her and she goes back to sleep. Well, everyone has told me that "make sure you are able to get your sleep" and she was never comfortable sleeping in her bassinette because it's so big for her and she was so use to being inside a small womb. So, to help with this Mark and I got a co-sleeper bed, which she sleeps in our bed with us. That works better, because she's right there when she needs just a hand on her tummy, at least for now when she's still so young. But, since we're new at this, I asked everyone on the StorkNet message boards how to get her to sleep in her bassinette. I thought it was something we were doing wrong or being too sensitive. But, with the reassurance of all the ladies, they have all told me they went through the same thing. It made me feel so much better! So, for now, I told my MIL to give her naps in her crib, because we're hoping that this will help with her independence, when we're ready to make that step at night.
I know that it's hard for everyone to be a working mother. I appreciate my MIL staying at my home, because I know it would be harder and I know that Adisyn is loved all day. Still, I can't help but think that my anxiety and emotional state is more on alert because of our past. We lost our first little girl and what mother doesn't want the best care and their child to just be healthy. I know that I'll only be completely satisfied with all of this when me or Mark are watching her, but since that's not always possible we're going to just do the best we can and be thankful for what we have; a healthy girl and a loving grandmother keeping a close eye on her every day.
Entry Three | Entry One
Return to Rebecca's Home Page
Visit StorkNet's Parenting Channel