That's right - Adisyn is now 10 months old! I thought I'd catch you up on what's been going on the past few months:
As you may remember, I also have a blog. My blog is something I do to document Adisyn's milestones, places we go, her likes and dislikes and basically anything else we do so we'll have something to look back on. Not only do I do it for Mark and me to look back on, but it's also a great for our family to keep track of everything that's going on. What I don't express in this blog is what actually goes on behind the scenes; all my thoughts, feelings and all other personal sentiments are left out. But, what's actually is going on behind the senses is what I use this journal for.
I mentioned in my blog that for Labor Day weekend me, Mark and Adisyn went away for the weekend to remember Ada. It's hard to believe that we lost her two years ago. What I didn't mention in the blog is that, as was it last year, the days leading up to the actual anniversary were the hardest. I felt myself being a bit distant and it was hard to concentrate at work. I was more easily upset but I tried my best to put on a smiling face as I did my day to day job. What kept upsetting me is that I would have flashbacks to the day we lost her. I remember holding her in my arms and when we had to let go. As we went out of town just to enjoy time and remember as a family, it was hard not to wish Ada was there with us. What we focus on, though, is that we know she is watching down on her little sister Adisyn and how special is that?! Adisyn doesn't realize how special she is! We know Ada is with us!
My body is still not back to normal. Physically I am actually in the best shape of my life. I have been very adamant about attending kickboxing to maintain my health and to release stress. I love that I was able to bounce back and I am proud of that, so it makes me feel good. Still, what I mean by 'not back to normal' is that I still haven't had my period. I went for a yearly check up with my family doctor, just to make sure everything, medically, is where is should be. I discussed my concerns with my doctor and although I realize that some woman don't have their period until after their child's first birthday, I wanted to throw it out there to her because I have been abnormally anxious. Since my hormones aren't back to normal yet with a menstrual cycle, I wanted to see if I could just blame it on my hormones or something else is going on. In the back of my mind I was thinking about the fact that I wasn't ovulating before I had Adisyn. We're actually at the point now where we are ready to have another child. Yes, I said it, we would love to be pregnant, when it happens. We decided on the "if it happens, it happens" instead of taking temperatures, monitoring ovulation, or whatever else we could do to plan, we want it to just happen. But, is that possible? Can I do this without worrying? We're scared and it's a known fact that we will always be scared. But, at the same time, we trust in God and we know that it is possible to have another healthy child. Adisyn gave us hope and showed us that we could have such a precious little girl. We love her so deeply that it's immeasurable. But, now that we decided on this, was me not having my period telling me that my body is not back to where it should be? I'm not supposed to worry, but how can I not? My doctor ran the basic blood test and determined that medically my hormones are fine. Still, if I think I need further testing she suggested seeing my OB. Are we ready for that? I decided that if my period isn't back to normal after Adisyn turns a year then I'll make an appointment. Up until then we'll just see what happens.
This brings me to talk about which I'm really in the dark about, is my anxiety. I hide it with my work, with my family, with my blog, but the only one who really knows how much I've been hurting, is Mark. He has been there for me to talk and attempt to see me through. It has gotten to a point where it is not normal and after talking with my family doctor about it, she suggested I see therapist. I would never tell anyone that I'm going to a therapist. I feel like it's taboo. It's almost like I'm saying "I can't handle this" denoting there's something wrong with me. It's almost shameful. But, I decided to go because I don't want my anxiety to have a negative impact on Adisyn. My anxiety is not normal. It goes beyond normal everyday worries. It's embarrassing to be even talking about it on here, but it follows me and I decided to do something about it.
With my therapist we are working on ways to tackle my anxiety so I feel more of a handle on things. Much of my frustration comes from living with my mother-in-law. It's difficult because I appreciate her so much in that she is watching Adisyn while Mark and I are at work during the day, but at the same time it has gotten intrusive because she is with us all the time. We don't have any personal space or personal time with Adisyn. She also ignores simple request like "don't rock her to sleep". I was very hard on myself because I felt like I was complaining to Mark when she would continue to do things her own way, even after Mark talked with her. The bottom line is that I felt myself feeling guilty about everything! The therapist said that after talking with me that I'm not able to be the mother I want to be because my mother-in-law has "taken over." After hearing this from an outsider, we decided to formulate a plan to take back motherhood and to "reclaim my family." Even though it's hard, we are deciding what things need to change. I'm hoping that this will be the start of feeling a little more normal again.
Doing this monthly journal is therapeutic. I express personal things hoping that those who read it would be non-judgmental, yet understanding. I hope that it opens up lines of communication so that you know that you're not alone, if you're feeling the same way. It's like your behind the scenes look at what's really going on in the life of a working mother.
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