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Rebecca's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 1
~ This was a lot harder than I thought

Today would have been Ada's due date, and it was a lot harder than I thought. Me and Mark talked about the approaching due date before and we decided that we didn't want to associate her with a due date. Instead her birthday, in September, is her day. We thought it would be a little easier with the whole due date thing because they really gave me a couple of due dates; they weren't really sure. The original due date was December 10th, and then when she wasn't growing at a normal rate they decided the due date was more like the 15th. One of the final ultrasounds the tech said she measured more like the 27th of December.

The confusion started at her anatomy ultrasound at about 20 weeks. She measured proportionally but she was small. My OB wasn't very concerned but wanted me to go to a high risk doctor just for an extra look. So, as we went to the high risk OB we were optimistic and just thought we were just going to have a small girl. It was there that the tech told us that the dates just must be off because she was proportionally fine. So when the doctor came in were expecting him to say that he was just going to keep an eye on her. But, that wasn't what he said at all - he told us that the prognosis wasn't good and we needed to determine the cause - it was either genetic or a bad placenta. We were in shock. To make a long story short I had an amniocentesis and the preliminary results came back a couple days later for the five most common chromosomal problems such as Down syndrome, Trisomy 13, etc. and everything was normal. We thought we were in the clear. When the final results came back two weeks later we found out she had a severe deletion of the 4th chromosome which was something called Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. The placenta was not giving her enough blood which didn't allow her to grow, and all of her systems (heart, brain, etc) will be severely deprived. A short time later we found out she no longer had a heartbeat. It was at this time that they induced labor and she was delivered the next day, September 3rd, stillborn.

We knew December was going to be hard because we thought we were going to have a little girl in time for Christmas so to us a coping mechanism was not to associate her with a certain day in December because the month was going be hard enough. But this week was very emotionally difficult. To start off, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. I was very excited but I was trying to hold it in because I was afraid to get my hopes up. I heard women say that they "just know" when they are pregnant - and that's how I felt. I had a lot of different symptoms from cramping, oily skin, and breast tenderness two weeks before my period. I was looking forward to the week I was supposed to have my period because I would officially know that I was pregnant. So, when my period was late I was even more excited! Mark suggested I take a test two days after when my period was supposed to come, just in case it was late, so we didn't get our hopes up. On Thursday I started spotting some in the afternoon and night, which wasn't normal for me. Then on Friday, December 10th, I had my period that morning, and it was even heavier than normal. But for some reason I was so upset and the date just bothered me more than I thought it would. I think my period hormones didn't help the situation but it was just really disappointing. I felt so sad at work, and of course I couldn't show it, so I cried on my way home. Mark was supposed to be at work but surprisingly was home when I got there because he came home sick. I saw him and just started crying even more.

It's been so hard to get excited for the holidays. We are ready to have another child and we wanted to be able to share good news with our families for Christmas. I wanted something to look forward to - being excited again for another baby. But, as I told my husband, I'm don't want to pretend that I'm happy about the holidays - I'm not - I miss Ada and I wish she was spending her first Christmas with us. I had to tell myself that it's ok to still grieve - we miss her and we always will. I read when a parent dies it's so difficult because they represent your past, when a child dies it's even harder because they represent your future. So, we may still have times when we still grieve for Ada. But, we reached a place where we're trying to look towards the future and have another child. This Christmas might not be as happy as we would've planned but we have many things to look forward to in the future.


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