Entry 2 - January 10, 2011
~ Staying Optimistic
I'm trying to be optimistic but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. I wasn't really feeling good these past couple of weeks - I've been really tired along with other things without any explanation. I've come to the point where I've been trying not to look too much into my symptoms. I just keep telling myself that I am going to be optimistic and hopeful this will be the month. At the same time I'm not listening to my body trying to play tricks on me. But then, like clockwork, my monthly "visitor" came for a visit - it's strange how you never dread your period as much as you do when you're TTC. Luckily I have a great friend who I get to share my disappointment with - she and her husband have been TTC for the past year and she's finally pregnant and I am so excited for her! It's so comforting to talk to her because I know that she understands how I'm feeling but at the same time it's also ok to tell her things like that I'm upset when I see someone who decides to have a baby one minute and the next minute they're pregnant. My feelings of sadness, disappointment and anger sometimes feel irrational but it's just the frustration that comes out when we are ready to have another baby but it didn't happen yet. You feel like you're the only one feeling this way and it's hard to share that with someone who doesn't know the feeling of what you're going through. I wasn't sure how she would feel sharing her pregnancy with me but I told her that knowing that she's pregnant now after trying for so long gives me hope. At the same time she understands how much of a blessing it is to conceive a child which is why I am so excited for her - I love sharing in her excitement! I know that Mark and I will be able to share the good news with her soon!
In the meantime, we had a nice Christmas. Mark's parents, who live two hours away, spent the entire weekend before Christmas with us. Mark has to work a lot around the holidays so this was the best option. In reality, we really wanted to spend Christmas just the two of us (my family lives too far away so we're not able to see them around the holidays). We knew that it was going to be hard, so as part of the grieving process we wanted to get through it together. We started up a new tradition that each Christmas we are going to make a new ornament to put on a small tree in memory of Ada. When we have other children they'll be able to make an ornament for Ada too, so they can share in the memory of their big sister. The day after Christmas was my birthday, but to tell you the truth, December was difficult for us, we had a lot going on and we miss Ada so much. At the same time we are thinking of ways to keep her memory alive because we know we will always miss her and wish that she was sharing that time with us, but we want our children in the future to be able to share in her memory as well.
We got the idea of the ornament from the support group we go to at the hospital. For our December meeting we all spent the time doing the ornaments and we thought it would be a great idea to do it every year. It was also at our support group where I got my inspiration to write this journal. There's a couple in our group who had a stillbirth last year when their daughter was about the same age as Ada. The women is now pregnant and they were afraid to come back to the support group at first because they didn't know if it would be hard for everyone to see her pregnant. But seeing her pregnant is really just encouragement for us! When she and her husband were thinking about TTC again she found a blog of a woman who was going though the same thing. The couple followed this person through TTC and through the whole pregnancy. When she was telling us that story I thought what a great idea it is to share your experience with other couples. When you go through something like this you always feel like you're the only one who feels the way you do. But, when you see that other people are feeling the same way, it makes you feel more normal. I hope that following Mark and I through this time will be an inspiration to someone reading this and will encourage them to try again. I am so thankful for Mark, my great friend, and the support group that let me know that it's ok to feel the way I do. I hope there is someone reading this who is sharing in my feelings too!
Keeping it on a positive note: I look forward to sharing good news with everyone next month!